Monday, February 20, 2006

Catholic Church announces product recall

The Catholic Church today announced that it is instigating a massive product recall of their model VII Religious units.

Today’s Vatican issued press release states that there have been major deficiencies and functional problems with the VII Religious unit that have been caused by faulty programming. The VII Religious units were popular in the early seventies and eighties and were well known for their radical new design which incorporated pastel coloured tracksuits and knitted cardigans.

The VII units are notorious for their ingrained language chip faults which caused them to baulk when they encountered anything in Latin. These faults are also commonly attributed to the VII unit’s fascination with inclusive language and gender neutral words.

The Vatican press release warns about the following faults in the VII Religious units:

1. Faulty liturgy circuits which cause the units to act in strange and unpredictable ways during Masses and other liturgical gatherings.

2. A preference for folk music and acoustic guitars instead of the standard Gregorian Chant and Organ programming intended by the factory. This fault is commonly known as “Haugening".

3. A programming fault which keeps causing the female VII units to believe that they are actually Priest-bots, or meant to be Priest-bots.

4. Unexplained leanings towards ecumenical gatherings and liturgies that require the VII units to betray their original programming.

5. Faulty logic circuits that lead to completely self-initiated overrides of factory programming. This fault is commonly known as being “Kung-ed out” or “Foxed in the head.

6. Obedience circuits that continually short out.

Although the VII Religious units were intended to be more effective in their work many have actually become less efficient and some have simply stopped working altogether.

Despite their many glaring failures and aging technology, most VII units still believe that they are cutting edge technology.

The Vatican press release states that most VII units have very little knowledge of the actual VII protocols with which they were programmed.

New units are currently being produced and carefully programmed to replace the older faulty models.


Anonymous said...

The V2 models should be phasing out in the next 10-20 years I would think. About time I'd say. Bring on the orthodox backlash NOW !!!

RyanL said...

I have recently seen the NEP21 model (New Evangelism Priest - 21st Century), and let me tell you that it's a doozie! They come complete with SM homilies (sin mentioning) and have a back-fit TU chip (traditional understanding) that can read/write English and Latin.

The only downside is that it's not backwards-compatible with the V2 model, and can cause prolonged parish unrest. Since the V2s are now outdated, this shouldn't be a problem in the future.

God Bless,

Brian Michael Page said...

The NEP21's, I hear, have the full backing of Pope Benedict XVI. The V2 chips, at least in their later versions, were mass-produced and bore the seal of approval from Oregon Catholic Press.


The Dun Cow said...

Love your Blog, you are my new hero (no, my screen name and yours, and the compatibility thereof, have naught to do with it.)
But I agree with those who say the NEP21 model will prove a soul... er... life... um... CHURCH saver.
In fact, I just encountered one such on a trip. (Gave me hope for the future.) Young and a convert, wouldn't you know? Chanted the dialogues, made no extraneous "happy talk" comments or introductions (the most frequently used and thus abused option in the Mass, in my opinion,) sang several parts of the Ordinary -- in LATIN -- gave witty, amusing AND YET PROFOUND sermons which included explication of Church teaching (and, pace earlier poster, mentioned "sin",) and every word, gesture and step were performed with a solemn specificity that reflected the suggestion that a priest say each Mass as if it were his last.
It gave me such hope that I can manage to sit though my local parish's committee-designed liturgies for a few weeks again without popping a blood vessel.

Because all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.

RC said...

Some flawed units pretend to be 100% interoperable and interchangable with units from other ECs (ecclesial communities). When this is attempted, outputs can be unpredictable and invalid.

HQ has informed manufacturing departments that if a unit is found to engage in improper "backward compatibility", it should be considered out of order and removed from the manufacturing process.