Tuesday, February 28, 2006

New products for Ash Wednesday!

International company; Easy Ecclesiology, is proud to announce the following new line of products especially for Ash Wednesday.

The Ash-O-Matic 5000:

This well engineered device allows you to administer the Ashes to multiple penitents in one easy pull of the trigger.

Petrol, diesel, and electric models available
Stealth engine limits excess noise
Nozzle can be set for wide or narrow spray
Very little training required; simply load the palms and the Ash-O-Matic 5000 does the rest
Self cooling so that altar severs can handle immediately after use

Father Karl Smith prepares for his Ash Wednesday Mass with the new Ash-O-Matic 5000

The AW777 Glove:

No more messy fingers or need to worry about extra towels and bowls of water after administering Ashes.

Simply put on the AW777 Glove and begin the administering!

This clever glove is self-loading and all you have to do is make the Sign of the Cross and press the button as you do so.

Comes in several different colours and features multiple buttons so that you can develop your own “style” of administering the Ashes.

Simply remove and wash in warm soapy water after use.

Also available in the "liturgical gold" AW777 pen option:

And something just for Priestless Parishes…

The PP Ash-Matic:

If your parish is without a priest this Ash Wednesday; no need to worry!

Our new PP Ash-Matic means no more missing out on the Ashes just because you don't have a parish priest anymore!

Parishoners simply place thier heads in the PP Ash-Matic and line up thier forhead in the handy view finder, which also doubles as a retinal eye scanner for ID confirmation that the recipient is actually a local parishoner.

Parishioner Bob Crisp is administered Ashes, despite his parish’s lack of a priest, care of the new PP Ash-Matic

Catholic man struggles to gain Church acceptance of his vocational calling

In a move sure to outrage some traditionalists; Australian man; Peter Grove, has launched a new inclusiveness campaign to raise awareness of what he calls “a grave abuse of human rights that is being perpetrated by the Catholic Church”.

Mr Grove is angry that the Catholic hierarchy will not recognise his right to give birth to a child. “This is just another example of the patriarchal Church trying to silence the call of God in the life of the laity” said Mr Grove.

Mr Grove said he first became aware of his calling to motherhood after watching the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie “Junior”. It was a real eye opener said Mr Grove. “The feeling was really strong, it was like the Holy Spirit was telling me; “Peter, this is your calling”, and I just felt really good about it.”

Grove said that after his initial calling he began to “see signposts” in his life that really affirmed things for him. “Just the other day I was driving to the shops thinking about my newfound calling when I looked up to see that the car in front of me had one of those “Baby on board” window signs, it all adds up!”

Mr Grove claims that his problems with the Catholic Church began when he first consulted his Catechism and found that all references to motherhood related exclusively to females. “It was like someone had purposely designed the statements about motherhood in the Catechism to exclude males who are called to this vocation” said Mr Grove.

“I have made more phone calls than I care to remember and yet the Catholic Church has no agencies, prayer groups, or anything set up for people like me. This is a disgraceful abandonment of human rights by the Catholic hierarchy” said Mr Grove.

Local reporters raised the issue with Mr Grove’s Bishop and he said that he was “a little unsure exactly how to best meet Peter’s pastoral needs” but that “a Diocesan committee had been established” to cater for other men in Mr Groves predicament. “We have the top social justice experts handling this issue; it’s really challenging my previous model of motherhood” said Mr Grove’s Bishop.

Mr Grove plans to launch his awareness campaign with a new yellow triangle shaped car sign that states; “The Church is denying me my right to have a baby on board”.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Catholicism for Dummies

A pictorial aid to the recently released "Catholicism for Dummies" book.

This is a Mass:

This is not a Mass:


Not Bishops:

Official Catholic teaching:

Not official Catholic teaching:

The Pope:

Not the Pope:

Monday, February 20, 2006

Media corporation appoints new manager

Media giant TinEast announced today that they have appointed a monkey named Bo-Bo as the new manager of their global communications empire.

Spokesperson; Tania Harris, said that TinEast believes that Bo-Bo will bring a “fresh and exciting feel” to the global media company.

“He has a great sense of programming” said Ms Harris. “It was amazing how he really took a liking to the content we are already broadcasting and he has expressed some interesting new ideas”.

Bo-Bo has a background in children’s entertainment, which the board of TinEast believes will be beneficial to their recently announced focus on after-school entertainment.

Ms Harris said that Bo-Bo had excellent strengths in public relations. “I saw him spit and defecate on someone who had the gall to complain about our new Primetime Porn programming, it was amazing the way he handled the situation”.

When asked how he thought his skill set would benefit TinEast, Bo-Bo blew a raspberry and gave the assembled journalists the finger. Although some journalists were surprised by this response, TinEast board members clapped and cheered.

Bo-Bo takes up his new position later next week.

Dissenting group issues new liturgical instruction

The dissenting group; We are Church, has released a new liturgical instruction titled: “Experimentus Makeitupus”.

The new instruction lists practises that are considered liturgical abuses by We are Church, and it dictates exactly what constitutes legitimate liturgical practise according to norms laid down by the We are Church liturgy committee.

Sister Beige-Cardy of We are Church said that she hopes “the new instruction will be a real step forward in clarifying exactly what constitutes good liturgy and what is unacceptable to We are Church”.

Experimentus Makeitupus names the following liturgical abuses as being most heinous and most urgently in need of corrective action:

1. The use of Latin - The more Latin the worse the abuse according to Experimentus Makeitupus. Sister Beige-Cardy said that “Latin during a liturgy is a real sign of a worshiping community in crisis”.

2. Male priests who consecrate without female concelebrants

3. Use of music that was written before 1970, or contains terms such as “Body and Blood of Christ”, “Redemption”, or “Father”.

4. Use of Creeds that clearly define an unchanging set of belief parameters

5. Use of gender specific words, unless they are female

6. The exclusive use of Christian Scripture

Sister Beige-Cardy sees these abuses as a real problem for worshiping communities and she believes that many problems are caused by the GIRM (General Instruction of the Roman Missal) that is used by the Catholic Church.

“We need to ditch the GIRM and start using the GRIME (General Rules I Myself Enjoy) instruction that We are Church issued some years ago” said Sister Beige-Cardy.

Experimentus Makeitupus also lists the following practises as necessary for a liturgy to be valid:

1. The presence of at least one rainbow coloured banner. If rainbow banners are not available then substitute fluorescent or primary coloured banners may be used but they must contain words such as "Justice", "Peace", or "Community".

2. At least one song by Mary Haugen must be sung.

3. The Homily must be delivered by a lay person, and it must focus primarily on feelings and emotions experienced by the Homilist.

4. The celebrant or Homilist must refer to at least one Catholic teaching that they dissent from. If this is not possible then they may refer to issues such as the war in Iraq, Greenpeace, or socialism, etc.

5. Feast days, such as Hans Kung’s birthday, must include a liturgical dance

6. The term “dig in” is a completely inappropriate formula to use when announcing the start of communion, the only valid formulas at this point of the liturgy are “The community bread is up, come and get it”, or “Feast at the table friends, and don’t forget to say thank you”.

7. When receiving the chalice at communion time, the recipient respond with; “cheers”, to signify their solidarity with the worshiping community

8. Kneeling is not a valid form of expression, unless the kneeler is expressing their devotion to mother earth.

Sister Beige-Cardy said that the new document would be sent to all We are Church members and that many Catholic parish liturgy committees had requested multiple copies of Experimentus Makeitupus.

Catholic Church announces product recall

The Catholic Church today announced that it is instigating a massive product recall of their model VII Religious units.

Today’s Vatican issued press release states that there have been major deficiencies and functional problems with the VII Religious unit that have been caused by faulty programming. The VII Religious units were popular in the early seventies and eighties and were well known for their radical new design which incorporated pastel coloured tracksuits and knitted cardigans.

The VII units are notorious for their ingrained language chip faults which caused them to baulk when they encountered anything in Latin. These faults are also commonly attributed to the VII unit’s fascination with inclusive language and gender neutral words.

The Vatican press release warns about the following faults in the VII Religious units:

1. Faulty liturgy circuits which cause the units to act in strange and unpredictable ways during Masses and other liturgical gatherings.

2. A preference for folk music and acoustic guitars instead of the standard Gregorian Chant and Organ programming intended by the factory. This fault is commonly known as “Haugening".

3. A programming fault which keeps causing the female VII units to believe that they are actually Priest-bots, or meant to be Priest-bots.

4. Unexplained leanings towards ecumenical gatherings and liturgies that require the VII units to betray their original programming.

5. Faulty logic circuits that lead to completely self-initiated overrides of factory programming. This fault is commonly known as being “Kung-ed out” or “Foxed in the head.

6. Obedience circuits that continually short out.

Although the VII Religious units were intended to be more effective in their work many have actually become less efficient and some have simply stopped working altogether.

Despite their many glaring failures and aging technology, most VII units still believe that they are cutting edge technology.

The Vatican press release states that most VII units have very little knowledge of the actual VII protocols with which they were programmed.

New units are currently being produced and carefully programmed to replace the older faulty models.