The Ox Files

Al Gore to release seven new sequels to An Inconvenient Truth

2007-02-21T02:25:00.000-08:00

After the box office success of his environmental apocalyptic thriller, An Inconvenient Truth, Al Gore has decided to continue the franchise with the following new sequels:

An Inconvenient Brew:
In this documentary movie Al Gore examines the dangers presented to mankind by homebrew beer. Al speaks to experts in the field of homebrewing, many of whom have experienced firsthand the danger that homebrew presents to mankind (especially when you drive after drinking five litres of it).

An Inconvenient Sleuth:
In this documentary movie Al Gore examines the serious threat posed to the planet by private investigators. Al presents clips from the “World’s Wildest Police Videos 37” and eyewitness accounts from Duane “Dog” Chapman of the cult TV show “Dog the Bounty Hunter”.

An Inconvenient Spew:
In this documentary movie Al Gore examines the cataclysmic dangers presented to mankind by stomach bugs and food poisoning. Al presents convincing evidence which shows that if we don’t close all fried chicken takeaway outlets within the next five years the population of the world will literally vomit itself to death.

An Incontinent Truth:
In this documentary movie Al Gore examines the fatal consequences of ignoring the global threat of incontinence. Al presents frightening pictures from rest homes around the globe and then uses them to show that if we don’t start spending millions more tax payer dollars on adult diapers the world as we know it could cease to exist.

An Inconvenient Crew:
In this documentary movie Al Gore explores the dangers presented to the environment by white gangsta rap. Al speaks to Vanilla Ice, who has reformed since his chart topping days, and become a campaigner promoting the message of the dangers of unchecked global wrapping (white rapping).

An Inconvenient Booth:
In this documentary movie Al Gore explores the serious threat posed to global economies and social stability by the Salvation Army church. Al speaks to ex-members of this Protestant denomination and discovers a seedy underbelly of global corruption and illegal arms trading that threatens humanity.

An Inconvenient Tooth:
In this documentary movie Al Gore examines the frightening dangers posed to humanity by global tooth decay. Al speaks to the nation’s leading dentists, and all of them who were paid by Al Gore’s production company agree that global tooth decay will bring about an increase in hurricanes, floods and bad breath.

There is no word yet on when the first of the new movies will be in theatres.

The Liturgical Experimenter’s guide to Lent

2007-02-21T01:42:00.000-08:00

Welcome to another edition of the Liturgical Experimenter’s Guide; today we will be focusing on the rather seasonal topic of Lent.

As you are probably well aware Lent is the purple season, and what better way to encourage the parish community to enter more fully into the season of Lent than by holding Barney Liturgies every Sunday in Lent?

That’s right folks, the purple people eater himself is the perfect sacramental sign to promote this most purple and penitent of seasons.

A) He’s purple

B) He’s a dinosaur who abstains from eating human flesh

Perfect!

Here's Barney leading the parish children’s liturgy in a Marty Haugen song during Communion - now that’s what I call active participation in the liturgy!

Barney greets the ushers before Mass – have you ever seen such happy parishioners in your parish?!

Barney and the Eucharistic Ministers prepare for Communion:

We all know that Lent is about penance, but who says that Lent has to be boring?!

New products for Ash Wednesday 2007

2007-02-19T23:25:00.000-08:00

International company; Easy Ecclesiology, is proud to announce the following new product line especially for Ash Wednesday 2007…

The "don't show your good works before men" Catholic Wig:

Ever been harassed by a fellow work colleague or racket ball partner on Ash Wednesday, just because you had a black ash cross on your forehead?

Well the Easy Ecclesiology company is proud to offer a real solution to this embarrassing situation.

The Discreet Catholic Wig comes in seven fashionable styles and four colour options; just check out these hip options for a more discreet Ash Wednesday experience:

The Metallica:

Hillbilly punk:

The Bon Jovi:

The Chuck Norris:

The early Michael Jackson:

And for the ladies…

The blonde early Michael Jackson:

$49.95 plus P&P is all it takes to save yourself any more Ash Wednesday embarrassment!

Euthanasia promoter accidentally kills himself during suicide workshop

2007-02-19T00:59:00.000-08:00

Euthanasia advocate, Dr. Will Killu, died earlier today while conducting one of his self-titled “suicide workshops” for doctors and other medical professionals.

Surprised participants initially had no idea that Dr Killu was dying in front of them as he demonstrated his custom “Death with dignity” TM plastic bag.

“He placed the bag over his head and then pulled the draw string and next thing you know he was writhing on the ground” said workshop participant Dr. Ira Jansen.

“We all thought he was pulling a prank. I mean, after all, he had just finished explaining to us about how his Death with dignity bag TM offered a truly peaceful and dignified way to end the life of a patient, and here he was convulsing and writhing on the ground in front of us” said Dr. Jansen.

It seems that many of Dr. Jansen’s fellow medical professionals who were also attending the workshop thought that Dr Killu was playing a trick on them, and as a result no one actually came forward to investigate what was happening to him for more than 15 minutes, at which stage he was already dead.

Initial media reports had suggested that Dr. Killu had intentionally used his suicide workshop for doctors and medical professionals to end his own life, but his wife Clara has strongly rejected such suggestions.

“Will would have never taken his own life; he just thought that euthanasia was a great way to become famous and make money from lonely elderly people” said Clara Killu during a phone interview earlier today.

Mrs Killu says that she plans to continue the euthanasia advocacy of her late husband Will, and she hopes to release a special suicide bag in his honour called the “Will Killu Bag”.

Urgent staff memo from Sen. John Edwards

2007-02-12T11:28:00.000-08:00

Staff Memo

To: All Staff

From: Senator John Edwards

Importance: High priority

Dear team,

After recent events surrounding certain staff members and their personal blogs, I am requesting that all members of staff be more cautious and vigilant in regards to the public statements they make in their own personal time outside of this office.

As you are well aware; I do not support religious intolerance or bigotry of any sort.

In fact, the only thing I hate more than religious bigotry and intolerance is Catholicism.

Thank you for your time.

Kind regards,

Senator John Edwards

P.s. I have included some recent photos from the campaign trail, enjoy.

Man mistakes a We are Church meeting for fancy dress expo

2007-02-06T12:21:00.000-08:00

Ohio couple, David and Kathy Farrar, managed to raise the ire of Catholic dissident group “We are Church” last Saturday by accidentally mistaking one of their gatherings for a “fancy dress expo”.

“It was a genuine mistake” said Mr Farrar to a local Catholic journalist on Saturday afternoon.

Mr Farrar and his wife Kathy had been invited to a friend’s fancy dress birthday party, so last Saturday they took a trip into town to find a shop that could sell them some costumes for the party.

While walking through town, Mr Farrar said they “decided to take a shortcut through the local convention centre.”

“While we were in there we noticed some women dressed up in what we thought were Egyptian priestess costumes” said David Farrar.

“My wife and I thought that they might be able to show us where they got their hilarious costumes from, so we followed them.”

As David and Kathy Farrar approached the two women they found themselves suddenly rounding a corner into the We are Church conference.

“We couldn’t believe our eyes” said Kathy Farrar, “there were more women dressed as Egyptian priestesses and some were even dressed as priests, it was a real hoot.”

It was at this point that things turned out rather badly for David and Kathy Farrar.

“We thought it was a fancy dress expo, I mean everyone knows that women can’t be priests and no normal person dresses like an Egyptian priestess, so we naturally thought it was a fancy dress expo; they even had stalls set up and everything” said Mr Farrar.

At this point David and Kathy Farrar approached someone behind one of the stalls and asked where they could buy one of the costumes from because “all their friends would laugh themselves silly at a woman pretending to be a priest.”

“The lady behind the stall just went nuts” said David Farrar; “her eyes glazed over and she started frothing at the mouth and hurling abuse at me and my wife, I really became concerned at that point and I tried to lead Kathy to an exit.”

It is uncertain how things developed from this point, as witnesses tell conflicting stories, but before David and Kathy Farrar could reach the exit they were surrounded by angry women in rainbow cassocks and strangely quiet men with ponytails and pastel waistcoats on.

“I looked into the eyes of those men and I saw nothing” said Kathy Farrar; “it was like they had been turned into zombies who were controlled by the women in the room. They just kept apologising for being “born a male”.

David and Kathy said they really became fearful when the mob began chanting “en-i-gram” over and over again in unison.

“I have no idea what an enigram is, but I knew that I didn’t want to stick around to find out” said David Farrar.

At this point the convention centre security guards stepped in and removed David and Kathy Farrar from the conference area.

David and Kathy Farrar are still uncertain whether they will attend their friend’s fancy dress birthday party after the ordeal they experienced at the We are Church convention.

An artist's depiction of the men the Farrars encountered

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Liturgy

2006-08-30T14:22:00.000-07:00

A guide to spotting a modern parish Liturgy Director

Many people have written to us asking how they can know when their parish has been invaded by a modern Liturgy Director and what can be done to deal with such an infestation.

This is a very important question, as the modern liturgy director has become a great concern to many parishes.

What is also of great concern is that once a modern liturgy director has become well established in a parish their presence will usually lead to the infestation of lesser species, such as liturgical dancers, in a parish.

The presence of a modern liturgy director also usually leads to the degradation of the music that is used in parish Masses.

So, as a public service; we offer the following guide to spotting and dealing with a modern parish liturgy director…

Name:
Modern Liturgy Director (Liturgus Disruptus)

Age:
Varies, but usually between 40 and 55 years of age

Gender:
Usually female, but not always

Traits:
They always prefer a keyboard over an organ, and they will never ever be seen near a pipe organ (it is unknown if the modern liturgy director has a natural and instinctive aversion to pipe organs)

Usually wears a full length coat, no matter what season it is. Some speculate that the coat may actually be a subconscious reflection of the modern liturgy director’s desire to be the one in the parish who gets to wear the priestly vestments.

A typical modern liturgy director's coat

Usually wears a large scarf, once again; the wearing of the scarf has nothing to do with the weather outside.

Researchers believe that the scarf is a sign of liturgical hierarchy and is designed to compete with the priestly Stoll. Several scientists have observed that creatures that are subservient to the modern liturgy director, such as cantors and liturgical dancers usually never wear scarves.

Two examples of typical modern liturgy director scarves

Modern liturgy directors also have extremely large bags that they carry everywhere with them. These bags are usually stuffed beyond capacity with music books and guides to making rainbow banners, etc.

Some examples of typical modern liturgy director bags...

These bags never contain Vatican issued documents about liturgy, and they never contain musical scores that date back beyond 1970.

Dr Carl Rivers, a liturgy specialist from Ohio, believes that the modern liturgy director’s bag may even contain some sort of worm hole/ time travel device that allows the modern liturgy director to traverse back to the 1960’s and 70’s to gather ideas for the liturgies they direct.

Another sure sign that you are dealing with a modern liturgy director is the key ring they carry.

It is widely known that modern liturgy directors have key chains that contain more keys than any other keychain known to man. The modern liturgy director usually caries keys to all of the doors in the Church, the piano (and the padlock for the organ), the parish centre, the parish cleaning cupboard, etc, etc.

A typical lay person's key ring

It is believed that some modern liturgy directors even hold the belief that Peter was the first modern liturgy director and that Christ really gave modern liturgy directors, and not the Church, the Keys to the Kingdom.

Modern liturgy directors are a creature of habit and control; and these keys enable them to keep tabs on all aspects of the parish life, even those that have nothing to do with the liturgy. They will often appear unannounced during parish meetings, etc and many have even worked their way onto parish councils by simply being first to arrive and open up the parish meeting room every month, until it gets to the point that everyone on the council just presumes that they are actually meant to be there.

A typical modern liturgy director's key ring

A display of keys removed from the key ring of a modern liturgy director

They also use their keys to lock away the music, etc for sacred hymn books so that when someone suggests that a hymn like Hail Redeemer King Divine is used at a coming Mass the modern liturgy director is able to respond by saying; “that would be great, but the music and hymn books with that song in them are locked away somewhere, and no one knows where they are”.

How to remove a modern liturgy director from your parish…

This is an area of research that is still in its infancy, and unfortunately we can only offer limited advice in regards to the best methods for removing modern liturgy directors from your parish.

The research is clear that modern liturgy directors have an aversion to Latin or Gregorian chant; many observers have photographed modern liturgy directors screwing up their faces during Latin or Gregorian chant.

We know that some parishes have also had great success in removing modern liturgy directors after the appointment of a new (usually Generation X) parish priest.

Prayer and Eucharistic Adoration seems to be the most effective method of removing a modern liturgy director and the associated infestations – but this process requires devotion and commitment from all involved (usually takes a while).

We hope this guide has been helpful to you.

San Francisco Catholic Charities “lead the way”

2006-08-22T13:41:00.000-07:00

Just weeks after San Francisco Catholic Charities announced that they had found a compromise in handling cases of adoption of children to homosexual partners, other San Francisco diocesan departments have decided to follow their example.

Brian Cahill, the head of the diocesan-funded Catholic Charities, announced that three staff members will be working with a non-profit adoption agency, California Kids Connection, that has no moral qualms about placing children in homosexual households.

Cahill said he believes this compromise with what the Vatican sees as a “grave evil” will be in keeping with Catholic directives not to be “directly involved in the placement” of a child in a gay household .

Now other diocesan departments have announced similar changes to the way they operate.

David Rankin, of the San Francisco diocesan Life and Family department, announced yesterday that “we obviously don’t refer women for abortions, as that would be gravely immoral, so from now on all women who come to us with a crisis pregnancy will be referred to the local Planned Parenthood clinic for counseling.”

San Francisco priest; Father Stuart Smyth, told his parish last Sunday that it would obviously be “immoral” for him to supply parishioners who think that the Catholic Church is the “whore of Babylon” with anti-Catholic publications about this issue. “Instead I will now be referring parishioners who think that the Church is the scarlet woman from the book of Revelation to the Jack T. Chick Foundation for counseling and support” Father Smyth told his parishioners at Sunday Mass last week.

Changes have also been announced at the San Francisco Diocesan Marriage Counseling Centre.

“We deal with a lot of husbands who struggle with pornography, something that the Church is obviously very opposed to” said Sheena Kratz, head of the Marriage Counseling Centre.
“From now on, we will be referring all husbands who struggle with pornography to Tony’s Adult Bookstore for advice on this very important matter” said Ms Kratz.
It is uncertain how many other departments in the San Francisco diocese will follow the lead of San Francisco Catholic Charities.

Knight Writer

2006-08-10T17:13:00.000-07:00

Staring David Haas - elhoff as...

Michael Knight

And Casio CTK230 as...

Kit - the Super-Keyboard with Artificial Intelligence

Michael Knight is dedicated to fighting beautiful sacred music; one song at a time, with the help of Kit, his Super-Keyboard, and the financial backing of the secretive and powerful GATHER Foundation.

Coming soon to a parish liturgy committee near you!

Survivor Liturgy Island - Part Three

2006-07-26T20:45:00.000-07:00

Eight Catholics…

Two teams…

One Island…

Ten days of dubious liturgy…

But there can be only one survivor of Liturgy Island!

Day Ten:

Team Tridentine is in disarray!

After winning two challenges in a row, thus allowing them to keep their entire team intact, the team has polarized into two opposing factions.

The team problems started when Tom from Arkansas suggested that Marty Haugen should consider a new career writing jingles for Hemroid cream commercials.

Within moments, four of the island’s 27 liturgy directors had been informed of the comments and had made their way down to see Tom from Arkansas.

It seems that Tom from Arkansas had failed to read the Survivor Liturgy Island code of conduct which absolutely forbids the profaning of the holy trinity (Haugen, Hass, and Farrell) in word, speech or action.

The liturgists began berating Tom from Arkansas, insisting that he take back his blasphemous words or they would be forced to remove him from the island.

Jan from Ohio steps forward to insist that it was all a terrible misunderstanding and that Tom from Arkansas was merely suffering from Liturgy Island fever, a rare disorder brought on by the heat and lack of true liturgy.

But just as Jan from Ohio is almost finished convincing the liturgy directors that this was all just a terrible misunderstanding caused by sickness; John from New York steps forward and states that Tom from Arkansas was right about Marty Haugen.

He then also goes on to further enrage the Survivor Liturgy Island Liturgy Directors by stating that his “grandfather could write a better hymn than Marty, and he’s dead!”

Within moments the entire team is fighting, and the Liturgy Directors have evicted John from New York from the island.

Day Twelve:

Both teams awake to discover that intruders have been introduced to Survivor Liturgy Island.

Each team is forced to take one new team member who has been introduced to the island by the Liturgy Directors of Survivor Liturgy Island.

Team Tridentine is forced to accept Intruder Sally and Team Gregorian is forced to take Intruder Chris.

Intruder Chris immediately causes a ruckus by suggesting that Team Gregorian should take time out for a group hug and a Chakra healing session. This does not go down well with the team at all, with one team member even telling Intruder Chris that every time he opened his mouth he was lowering the IQ of the team.

Day Fifteen:

Things are becoming strained on Liturgy Island, now that the participants have been deprived of true liturgy for fifteen days.

Intruder Chris recommends that if his team would take the time to reconnect with mother earth then their negative energy would be displaced by a cosmic happiness and life-joy.

Mark from Chicago offers to “reconnect” Intruder Chris with mother earth by digging a hole for him to go take a flying leap into. Other Team Gregorian members offer to fill the hole in for Intruder Chris after he’s jumped into it.

The team challenge, which requires each team to make liturgical vestments, goes bad for Team Tridentine when an attempt to gather coconuts for their liturgical waistcoats results in a near fatal accident. One of the camera crew is crushed when a Team Tridentine member falls on him from a coconut tree.

Intruder Sally and Intruder Chris

Day Twenty:

Things have gone horribly awry on Survivor Liturgy Island, which now resembles Lord of the Flies.

Both teams have split into four separate schismatic groups, with all four teams claming that they are the only true and real champions and lords of Liturgy Island.

Team Tridentine now only performs liturgies at midnight and after reading a book by Father Richard Rohr they insist on getting naked at every possible occasion.

Team Gregorian now worships only on Tuesdays and they have developed a new liturgy called the divine rage, in which participants must vent anger at injustice in the patriarchal church.

The other two teams (Team Dionysus and Team Serenity) are living on separate sides of the island in caves. No one is really sure what they do, but their liturgies can be heard from the other side of the island.

A Team Gregorian member during a divine rage liturgy

Day Twenty Two:

Survivor Liturgy Island has turned to chaos.

After suggesting that they should try and reunite the teams with a trivia challenge about Matthew Fox and Hans Kung, three of the Liturgy Directors are eaten by Team Gregorian.

The other teams have erected a giant statue of Marty Haugan and are worshiping it eight times a day by praying the “Hail Marty”, a new prayer which they have written.

The prayer reads…

“Hail Marty, full of taste; the words are with thee
Blessed art thou are among musicians and blessed is the fruit of thy keyboard; Creation Mass
Holy Marty, father of songs in G
Play for us singers, now and at the hour of our liturgy”

They are also halfway through constructing a “Hass Temple” beside the statue of Marty Haugen.

Day Thirty:

No one has heard from Liturgy Island since the television crew fled the island under cover of darkness.

Some of the Survivor Liturgy Island Liturgy Directors have joined teams (eight teams at last count) while others are working as liturgy consultants to several of the teams.

Sources tell us that Cardinal Arinze is on his way to Liturgy Island as we speak, with a team of specially trained and highly armed Swiss Guards.

This picture was taken as the camera crew fled the island under cover of darkness

Survivor Liturgy Island - Part Two

2006-07-26T14:31:00.000-07:00

Eight Catholics…

Two teams…

One Island…

Ten days of dubious liturgy…

But there can be only one survivor of Liturgy Island!

Day Four:

Trouble has erupted on Liturgy Island, with Team Tridentine having been caught with a copy of the Divine Office.

This is a clear violation of Survivor Liturgy Island rules which only allow participants to use Depak Chopra’s “Book of Secrets” for personal prayer liturgies.

Team Tridentine is rather vague about exactly who owns this copy of the Divine Office, but eventually Tom from Arkansas confesses that he smuggled it on to the island.

Tom is sternly warned about his violation of Liturgy Island rules and then sent back to Team Tridentine.

Day Six:

Its team challenge time again on Survivor Liturgy Island.

In today’s challenge, each of the teams is given a raw fish, a piece of bread and a loaf of un-sliced wholegrain bread.

They have two hours to come up with a liturgy involving only these three items.

Within minutes Team Gregorian has eaten their bread and fish and they are only left with the basket to complete their challenge. Dave from Kentucky suggests that they use the basket as a love offering to the creator God - the team thinks this is a brilliant idea but they aren’t sure exactly what a love offering is or how to actually do one.

Meanwhile Team Tridentine is busy planning their liturgy of the fish, bread and basket. John from New York suggests that they use the items to create and perform a liturgical dance called “Justice and transformation”, the team agrees and thinks that the title is so irrelevant and vague that it is just perfect.

The horn sounds to signal that the teams must now perform their liturgies for the judges.

Team Gregorian starts with their liturgy; which they have called “The Basket of dreaming”.

The team sits in a circle and sings “Let there be love shared among us” while Dave from Kentucky walks into the middle of the circle and places the basket in the centre. The team falls silent and Dave prays the “prayer of transformation” that Team Gregorian has written especially for the liturgy.

“Oh creator God, You who knows our longing for true justice and understanding, make us a community of hope. May our dreaming be dreamy and our passion be passionate, as we seek true justice from the oppressive tyranny of the patriarchal church. Fill our basket with the fire of dreaming. For ever and ever, Awoman”

Team Tridentine is then called forward to perform their liturgy, which they have called “Justice and Transformation.”

Immediately Team Tridentine form a line behind John from New York and they begin to do an American Indian rain dance type chant.

While they chant, John from New York grabs the basket and begins to wave it wildly in the air shouting “basket of justice, where is thy bounty? Basket of justice why are you so empty?”

This continues for ten minutes, and then he places the basket back on the ground and picks up the loaf of un-sliced wholegrain bread and proceeds to walk the line of chanting Team Tridentine members. As he passes each team member he chants “kiss the bread of new beginnings”, and each team member bows and kisses the un-sliced wholegrain bread.

John from New York returns the bread to the ground and proceeds to pick up the fish. Dancing around and swinging the fish wildly by the tail he begins to sing “Gather your people oh God”. Halfway through Gather your people oh God, the head of the fish comes loose and flies off, within moments the entire Team Tridentine is covered in flying fish entrails that have escaped from the now decapitated fish.

Team Tridentine finish by saying “for ever and ever, Agenderless being” loudly together.

John from New York demonstrates how he swung the fish during Team Tridentine's liturgy

The judges are stunned and struggle to make up their mind which of the two liturgies is more beautiful and sacred. After 20 minutes of tense deliberations, the judges announce that Team Tridentine is the winner of the challenge.

Team Gregorian walks dejectedly back to the Parish Council area for the eviction vote.

Dave from Kentucky is voted off the island by a unanimous vote, with all of the Team Gregorian members stating that they believe Dave was too “pre-Vatican II” in the way he led the team’s liturgy.

To be continued…

The Litrugy Island Parish Council area

On the next Survivor Liturgy Island:

An intruder is introduced to the island, and the two teams must create their own liturgical vestments and recite trivia about Hans Kung and Matthew Fox.

New from the Catholic Sign Company

2006-07-24T20:30:00.000-07:00

The Catholic Sign Company is pleased to introduce the following new signage products...

Survivor Liturgy Island - Part One

2006-06-13T13:20:00.000-07:00

Eight Catholics…

Two teams…

One Island…

Ten days of dubious liturgy…

But there can be only one survivor of Liturgy Island!

Day One:
The contestants of Survivor Liturgy Island are dropped off on the island by a boat, or so they think. En route the boat is stopped, and all the participants are assembled on the stern of the boat and instructed on their first challenge.

They must exit the boat and swim to Liturgy Island. Upon reaching the island they must retrieve the Gather Hymnal, which is buried in a bucket of cheese on the beach, and then use it to break the secret of the Hass code.

The participants waste no time in exiting the boat and swimming to the island.

Tom from Arkansas is first to reach the island, but he struggles to find the Gather Hymnal – which has been buried in a bucket of cheese. Tom thought he had it but then realised he was actually holding a block of mouldy old cheese, although it’s easy to understand how he confused the two.

First to retrieve the Gather Hymnal is Jan from Ohio, and after much frantic searching she realises that the secret of the Hass code is that there is no secret! After just ten minutes of comparing Hass’ music Jan realises that it is simply too simple to be musically appealing, let alone contain any secret code.

Jan announces her discovery and she is crowned winner of the first challenge on Survivor Liturgy Island, meanwhile Dave from Texas is trying to figure out why his Gather Hymnal won’t open; until one of the other contestants points out that, just like Tom from Arkansas, he has also found a block of mouldy old cheese.

As winner of the first challenge Jan is allowed is given her Immunity Rosary to wear until the next challenge is complete. The Immunity Rosary means that Jan gets immunity from the first round of Survivor Liturgy Island evictions.

As the participants listen intently, the rules of Liturgy Island are read aloud and they are then split into two teams – Team Gregorian and Team Tridentine.

The two teams are sent to different sides of Liturgy Island and told to erect their temporary shelters and then to make their way to the Liturgy Island Chapel in the middle of the island for the second challenge.

Four hours later both teams are gathered in the chapel, waiting for instructions.

Things get interesting when both teams are given the details of the next challenge – to make a team sacred space using only items growing on the island. The teams are warned that they must follow the strict rules of sacred space building by not including any overtly religious symbolism. Each team has two hours to complete the challenge; with the wining team being allowed to return to their camp, while the losing team will have to vote one of their fellow team members off Liturgy Island.

Tom from Arkansas immediately suggests that his team, Team Tridentine, votes on who should be appointed as chief liturgist for the team challenge. After much discussion the team appoints John from New York to the role of chief liturgist. Unfortunately this has taken them almost 115 minutes, leaving them only five minutes to complete the actual challenge. The team scatters and grabs several smooth stones, some palm branches, and a shrubbery. They return to the chapel and place their items on top of the altar in a random configuration.

The horn sounds to signal that the time is up and that each team must stop what they are doing to wait for the judge’s decision on their completed sacred spaces.

The judges are impressed by Team Tridentine’s creation and announce that they are the winners. Team Tridentine returns to their shelter while Team Gregorian is asked to report to the Parish Council area to decide who will be first to leave Liturgy Island.

The vote doesn’t take long, and Team Gregorian votes Karl from Los Angles off the island because he was the one who placed the one branch haphazardly on top of another one – which meant that their sacred space had a centre piece that almost looked like a cross – something that is frowned upon in the rules of sacred space construction.

The remaining members of Team Gregorian return to their side of the island, feeling dejected, and facing the daunting prospect of the coming challenges with a team member short.

To be continued…

Team Gregorian's overtly religious sacred space:

It’s official; Christians cause global warming

2006-06-05T13:25:00.000-07:00

World renowned author, conference speaker, and global warming expert; Jim Plimpton, announced earlier this week that he believes that his research has discovered the real cause of global climate change.

“Initially I thought that the increase in greenhouse gasses was being caused by the republican party but now I know for sure that cataclysmic global climate change is really being caused by Christians” said Mr Plimpton.

Mr Plimpton has spent the last two years doing complex mathematical calculations based on his observations of various Christian churches.

“I spent three months at various evangelical and Catholic churches around the world and during my time I noticed some rather alarming activity that has gone unnoticed for many years.”

Mr Plimpton noted that in Catholic churches almost all parishioners genuflect twice during every Sunday Mass.

“If your average Catholic Church has 600 parishioners per service, for three services per weekend then you’re looking at a total of approximately 3600 genuflections per weekend.”

“If we take this figure of 3600 and multiply it by the earths magnetic variance, add 400, minus the spherical content of Darth Vader, you get a lot of kinetic energy. This energy converts to heat and as we all know; heat melts the polar ice caps.”

Along with the genuflections, Mr Plimpton also noted that your average Catholic Mass involves between 3 and 10 constantly burning candles, which are another strong source of heat energy output. He also noted that Catholics say a lot of prayers during their Masses. “All those praying parishioners are breathing out and we all know that when you’re breathing out you expel Carbon Dioxide – a leading cause of apocalyptic weather variance” said Mr Plimpton.

Plimpton became even more alarmed on his visits to evangelical churches where he witnessed massive energy output from participants waving their hands in the air. “I became even more alarmed when I realised that your average evangelical church has more amplifiers than a Metallica concert. This gratuitous amount of sound equipment not only uses more power but it also causes sonic energy which results in polar ice caps breaking free and floating into warmer waters where they melt faster than usual and cause destructive ocean level increases.”

“For years we thought it was the conservatives that were causing global warming but now my research clearly shows that we need to rethink such assertions. I’m not saying that they aren’t still causing global warming in some way; I’m just saying that the Christians are the real problem here.”

“The Vatican is definitely a major contributor; I mean how many thousands of genuflections, candles and prayers does that place go through in a week? Then there’s Focus on the Family; every time they encourage families to pray together they’re encouraging a small group of people to emit yet more carbon dioxide into the atmosphere” said Mr Plimpton.

When asked what he thought the answer to this crisis might be; Mr Plimpton suggested that a global action plan to fight this threat to global climate harmony can be found in his new book “Pray, kneel, die in a cataclysmic global storm”.

Mr Plimpton also suggested that greenhouse gases should now be referred to as “prayerhouse gasses.”

Details of new Dan Brown book revealed!

2006-05-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

Inside sources at Doubleday Publishers have leaked documents that give details of the new, soon to be released, historical thriller by Da Vinci Code author, Dan Brown.

The book will be called “The Mozart Conspiracy”, but the leaked papers contain no details about the exact date it will be released to the general public.

The Mozart Conspiracy is set 6 months after the events of the Da Vinci Code; in which time Robert Langdon has been able to qualify, with an internet based learning provider, as a professor and leading international expert in “Musicology”, or the study of secret musical codes and symbolism.

This complements Langdon’s other qualifications as a symbologist, foodologist, animologist, and McDonald’s team leader.

The Mozart Conspiracy starts with the strange food poisoning death of world famous composer Jagger Mick, at the Sydney Opera House. Langdon happens to be in Australia at the time of the murder and was scheduled to meet with Jagger Mick just hours before his strange and sudden food poisoning death.

As the leading expert in Musicology; Langdon is called to the Sydney Opera House to assist with the police investigation.

It is not long however before Langdon becomes suspicious that something altogether more sinister is afoot.

First he discovers that Jagger Mick’s musical score for the Madame Butterfly opera contains the songs “Killing me softly”, “I shot the sheriff”, and “Don’t fear the reaper”. The Australian police however refuse to buy into Langdon’s theories that these songs are out of place in a world famous operatic score, or that they point to the fact that Jagger Mick has been murdered. Langdon’s suspicions are aroused even further when he discovers a ceremonial lance and nine .22 calibre bullets in Jagger Mick’s back.

After meeting up with Indiana Jones at a local Australian pub; the two famous adventurers decide to team up to try and solve the mystery of Jagger Mick’s death.

Before long the pair find themselves embroiled in an international conspiracy that crosses thousands of years, and involves the highest officials in the US Republican Party, the Vatican, and the Missionaries of Charity founded by the late Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta.

It turns out that Mother Teresa is only being beatified by the Vatican, with the support of the powerful US Republican Party, in return for the many Vatican Conclaves and Republican fundraising dinners which she and her nuns catered with the best authentic Indian cuisine available.

To the outside world the Missionaries of Charity are an order of religious sisters dedicated to serving the poor; in actual fact however the whole time they have been spying on India and Pakistan for the US Republican Party.

But things have come to head, as the Missionaries of Charity have learnt of a secret so powerful that it could topple their powerful Republican masters. If they can gain full knowledge of this secret then they will be able to covertly rule the United States of America by controlling the powerful US Republican Party by way of blackmail, thus making the Missionaries of Charity the puppet masters of the most powerful nation on earth.

What is this secret so powerful that it could change the world as we know it?

Many people thought that Conan the Barbarian was a fictional character invented by Hollywood; but in actual fact he was a real historical figure who sired a son, who in turn begat another son, who begat a son of his own, and so on, and so on, until the present day.

It turns out that the modern descendant of Conan the Barbarian, and the rightful heir to the US Presidency, is none other than Democratic Party leader John Kerry.

In an effort to deny Democratic leader John Kerry of his rightful title as US President; George Bush and the Republican Party formed an allegiance with the Vatican, and the sinister Missionaries of Charity. This powerful alliance intended to rig the US elections in order to ensure a win for George Bush and the Republican Party, but it turned that John Kerry couldn’t beat a one legged man in a butt whipping contest so George Bush and the powerful Republicans needed no help when it came to election time.

This allegiance existed without problems for many years, but with the passing of Mother Teresa came the appointment of a new superior for the Missionaries of Charity; Mother Viaticum Absolution. Not merely content to remain subservient to the powerful US Republican Party; Mother Viaticum sends one of her trained assassins – Sister Hypostatic Unction – to seek out the powerful secret of the warrior bloodline of Conan the Barbarian.

To unveil the truth Sister Hypostatic Unction must seek out and kill the members of the secret society entrusted, since the time of Conan, with the task of protecting the warrior bloodline and ensuring that the rightful heir is elected to the US Presidency.

This secret society; known as AMWAY, was formed in 4000 BC and has been headed by many famous people; including none other than Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Mozart, which is an anagram for Zartom, Ratzom, and Artmoz, used secret codes in his music to pass information on to other members of AMWAY.

With the help of Indiana Jones; Robert Langdon must decipher the codes left by Mozart and reveal the secret of the Mozart conspiracy before the Missionaries of Charity and the powerful US Republican Party can track him down and kill him; thus concealing forever the truth of the warrior bloodline and the rightful heir to the US Presidency.

Baigent sues!

Just days after the information about the new Dan Brown novel was leaked; author Michael Baigent announced that he will be suing Dan Brown for plagiarising his work in order to create the new Mozart Conspiracy novel.

Baigent is claiming that Brown stole the idea of the warrior bloodline of Conan from Baigent’s earlier work; “Conan to Kerry, holy molly they got the wrong president!”.

At this stage no commencement date for the trial has been announced.

Dissenting Enigma machine found!

2006-03-21T13:40:00.000-08:00

The D-Enigma machine

Earlier today the Cardinal Newman Society announced that they had been able to capture an Enigma Machine from a dissenting Catholic group.

The Enigma machine, used by dissenting groups to code their communiqués and public statements, is commonly known as the D-Enigma.

A spokesman for the Cardinal Newman Society would not comment on exactly how his group came into possession of the machine, but it is understood that a dissenting group may have accidentally left the machine in a Diocesan Centre after one of their weekly meetings.

The D-Enigma machine is almost identical to the famous Enigma machine used by the Germans during World War II and it is being used by dissenting groups to encode and decode their public statements about the Church and theology.

A basic dissenting message or teaching is typed up using the D-Enigma machine, which encodes the original message. When an encoded message is typed into the D-Enigma machine it is decoded to supply a copy of the original message content.

Some examples of actual messages that have been coded and decoded by the Cardinal Newman Society using the D-Enigma machine are…

Original coded Message:
“The Church needs to focus on addressing issues of injustice”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“We want married, gay, and women priests”

Original coded Message:
“We need a pastoral plan that focuses on the horizontal, as well as the vertical aspects of faith”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“We need to stop talking about divinity and salvation, and start focusing on feelings and hosting more wine and cheese evenings in the parish”

Original coded Message:
“It’s a conscience issue”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“Whatever you do, don’t listen to the Magisterium of the Catholic Church!”

Original coded Message:
“We are Church”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“We are Catholics who really want to be liberal Anglicans.”

Original coded Message:
“That’s not my model of Church”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“I don’t like obeying the teachings of the Holy Spirit given through the Magisterium of the Catholic Church, so I’m going to make myself into my own personal Magisterium.”

Original coded Message:
“God is found in the sacrament of the ordinary”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“I don’t believe in the divine, unless it’s new age”

Original coded Message:
“The Church hierarchy needs to listen more to the stories of its people”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“We need to have more wine and cheese evenings to talk about our feelings and all the Church teachings we don’t like.”

Original coded Message:
“The Church hierarchy are obsessed with sex and genital issues”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“I hate Humane Vitae, Evangelium Vitae, and Theology of the Body.”

Original coded Message:
“The Church is not adhering to the Spirit of Vatican II”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“The actual documents of Vatican II don’t support my position so I’m going to appeal to something intangible like the feelings and emotions of dissenters who went to Vatican II and then later misrepresented it in the public arena.”

The interior mechanism of the D-Enigama

The D-Enigma in its case

Pope apoints five new Bishops

2006-03-12T11:41:00.000-08:00

Earlier this month the Vatican announced that the Pope had finalised the appointment of five new Bishops to various dioceses around the world.

The new appointments have raised the ire of some within the Church, but most Catholics appear to be very happy with the new Bishops, and one well known Catholic commentator has even praised the Pope for his boldness in addressing current pastoral concerns.

Below are the details of the five new Bishops.

Bishop Chuck Norris:

Many will be familiar with Bishop Chuck Norris’ earlier career as a one man military machine specialising in bringing down Marxist empires, which is why most commentators feel that he is the ideal man to deal with the Catholic schools within his new diocese.

He was recently overheard telling a group of dissenting theologians to “shut up, wise up, and sit the heck down because they were making the diocese look untidy”.

He is also the only Bishop known to have a round house kick as part of his pastoral plan.

Bishop Han Solo:

You’d better sort out the parking arrangements in your diocese, because your next Bishop could be arriving in the Millennium Falcon!

Bishop Han Solo is often referred to as the “Augustine of space” because of the fact that he was a selfish pleasure seeking sinner who later in life converted and became a selfless warrior in the fight against the evil galactic Empire led by Darth Vader.

When asked about his new role as Bishop he replied; “ well it ain’t like dusting crops kid”.

Co-Adjudicator Bishop Chewbacca the Wookie:

Bishop Chewbacca the Wookie has been appointed as Co-Adjudicator Bishop with Bishop Han Solo.

Bishop Chewbacca is popular with many in Catholic youth ministry circles, but it has often been suggested that his homilies are a little bit hard to understand. Despite this, he is known as a no nonsense Bishop of action who doesn’t mess around when it comes to theological dissent.

When Bishop Han Solo was asked what’s so different about having a Wookie as your Diocesan Bishop; Solo replied “well; a regular Bishop won’t rip your arms off if you challenge the Magisterium of the Catholic Church”.

Bishop Dutch Schaeffer:

Many people thought that Dutch Schaeffer had gone into retirement after taking on, and beating, the Predator alien in a South American jungle, but it turns out that he was actually in the seminary.

Most commentators feel that his proven track record in rooting out and dealing with an evil Predator that can camouflage itself and hide in our midst will result in him being a Bishop who is keenly attentive to the Catechesis Office in his new diocese.

He was also well known in the seminary for the catchphrase “I’ll be back”, which most of his classmates are sure will keep many religious sisters in his new diocese on their game.

Bishop John McLean:

In the early nineties John McLean single-handedly took back the Nakitomi Towers from a group of deranged terrorists who were holding the building hostage.

It is believed that his impressive and heroic bravery during the Nakitomi siege will make him an excellent asset in most Diocesan Office Buildings, which are plagued by liturgical and theological terrorists.

It is also rumoured that Bishop John McLean has plans to institute a new online correspondence course for Catholic clergy entitled; “Time to cowboy the heck up and start acting like a real priest.”

To date there has been no official word from the Vatican about which five Dioceses the new Bishops will be appointed to.

If the Gather Hymn Book was a...

2006-03-06T15:04:00.000-08:00

Many people will be aware of the fact that the Gather Hymn Books are responsible for bringing us the the songs of Haugen, Hass, and co.

But have you ever asked yourself; "what if the Gather Hymn book was something else?"

If the Gather Hymn Book was an animal it would be...

Or it maybe...

If the Gather Hymn Book was a Star Wars character it would be...

If the Gather Hymn Book was a hair style it would be...

Or maybe...

If the Gather Hymn Book was a vehicle it would be...

Or maybe one of these...

If the Gather Hymn Book was food it would be...

If the Gather Hymn Book was an album cover it would be...

Or maybe this...

If the Gather Hymn Book was a movie it would be...

If the Gather Hymn Book was a pet it would be...

The ten step Marty Haugen song writing program

2006-03-01T11:55:00.000-08:00

Step one:

Make sure that you write your Marty Haugen song in the right environment and setting. It will really help if you put on a Barbara Streisand or an Andrew Lloyd Webber CD; the inspiration they give will really boost your song writing ability.

Many Marty Haugen wannabes claim that they personally find Kermit the Frog singing Rainbow Connection a real inspiration in their efforts to follow in the song writing footsteps of the Master.

Step two:

Think about things like your favourite pet. If you don’t have a pet, then think of Lassie or Barney the Dinosaur.

Step three:

Choose a song structure from the following options:

1. Verse, chorus, verse
2. Chorus, verse, chorus
3. Verse, chorus, verse, bridge

Step four:

Choose and complete a song title from the following options:

1. Gather...
2. Justice is...
3. Make us...
4. Happy...
5. Lovely, lovely...
6. People of...

Step five:

Find your favourite cute furry soft toy. Give it a big cuddle and hum your favourite Blue’s Clues song to it. This will help to keep your song writing focus and inspiration going.

Step six:

Choose the appropriate time signature for your song from the following choices:

1. 4/4 Jingle timing
2. 3/4 Waltz timing

Step seven:

Pick an instrument to write your song on from the following options:

1. Folk guitar
2. Casio keyboard
3. Folk guitar and Casio keyboard

Step eight:

Write a tune. It needs to have a happy feel – think 1980’s show tune, or 1970’s elevator music.

Make sure your melody is easily sung by finding a child and trying the tune out on them, if it takes them more than two attempts to grasp the melody then the tune is too complex and needs to be reworked.

If you chose option 3 at step three then you need to make sure that your bridge has a completely different melody to the rest of the song – this helps to keep things lively.

Step nine:

Write the lyrics to your song.

For a song to be a true Haugen classic it needs to incorporate some or all of the following words and phrases:

Justice, community, gathering, eat at the table, communion of hope, peace, injustice, bread, singing people, new song, light, open our minds, you love our failures, weakness.

Do not consult the Catechism or any other official Church documents during the lyric writing process, it will just complicate your lyrics and taint them with an official hierarchical flavour which doesn't work for Haugen songs.

Step ten:

Test your song by doing the following:

1. Play your song on a Church organ, preferably in your Diocesan Cathedral. If it sounds good played on the organ then you need to start over. If this happens you might want to spend more time listening to Rainbow Connection before beginning the writing process.

2. Find a group of at least ten children and get them to sing your song. If it sounds the same with them yelling/singing it as it did when you finished writing it then you could be on to a winner.

3. Try it out at your local rest home. If the most tone deaf residents have no problems remembering your song after hearing it only once then you definitely have a hit on your hands.

An aspiring Marty Haugen song writer tests his latest composition

New products for Ash Wednesday!

2006-02-28T14:47:00.000-08:00

International company; Easy Ecclesiology, is proud to announce the following new line of products especially for Ash Wednesday.

The Ash-O-Matic 5000:

This well engineered device allows you to administer the Ashes to multiple penitents in one easy pull of the trigger.

Features:
Petrol, diesel, and electric models available
Stealth engine limits excess noise
Nozzle can be set for wide or narrow spray
Very little training required; simply load the palms and the Ash-O-Matic 5000 does the rest
Self cooling so that altar severs can handle immediately after use

Father Karl Smith prepares for his Ash Wednesday Mass with the new Ash-O-Matic 5000

The AW777 Glove:

No more messy fingers or need to worry about extra towels and bowls of water after administering Ashes.

Simply put on the AW777 Glove and begin the administering!

This clever glove is self-loading and all you have to do is make the Sign of the Cross and press the button as you do so.

Comes in several different colours and features multiple buttons so that you can develop your own “style” of administering the Ashes.

Simply remove and wash in warm soapy water after use.

Also available in the "liturgical gold" AW777 pen option:

And something just for Priestless Parishes…

The PP Ash-Matic:

If your parish is without a priest this Ash Wednesday; no need to worry!

Our new PP Ash-Matic means no more missing out on the Ashes just because you don't have a parish priest anymore!

Parishoners simply place thier heads in the PP Ash-Matic and line up thier forhead in the handy view finder, which also doubles as a retinal eye scanner for ID confirmation that the recipient is actually a local parishoner.

Parishioner Bob Crisp is administered Ashes, despite his parish’s lack of a priest, care of the new PP Ash-Matic

Catholic man struggles to gain Church acceptance of his vocational calling

2006-02-28T14:00:00.000-08:00

In a move sure to outrage some traditionalists; Australian man; Peter Grove, has launched a new inclusiveness campaign to raise awareness of what he calls “a grave abuse of human rights that is being perpetrated by the Catholic Church”.

Mr Grove is angry that the Catholic hierarchy will not recognise his right to give birth to a child. “This is just another example of the patriarchal Church trying to silence the call of God in the life of the laity” said Mr Grove.

Mr Grove said he first became aware of his calling to motherhood after watching the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie “Junior”. It was a real eye opener said Mr Grove. “The feeling was really strong, it was like the Holy Spirit was telling me; “Peter, this is your calling”, and I just felt really good about it.”

Grove said that after his initial calling he began to “see signposts” in his life that really affirmed things for him. “Just the other day I was driving to the shops thinking about my newfound calling when I looked up to see that the car in front of me had one of those “Baby on board” window signs, it all adds up!”

Mr Grove claims that his problems with the Catholic Church began when he first consulted his Catechism and found that all references to motherhood related exclusively to females. “It was like someone had purposely designed the statements about motherhood in the Catechism to exclude males who are called to this vocation” said Mr Grove.

“I have made more phone calls than I care to remember and yet the Catholic Church has no agencies, prayer groups, or anything set up for people like me. This is a disgraceful abandonment of human rights by the Catholic hierarchy” said Mr Grove.

Local reporters raised the issue with Mr Grove’s Bishop and he said that he was “a little unsure exactly how to best meet Peter’s pastoral needs” but that “a Diocesan committee had been established” to cater for other men in Mr Groves predicament. “We have the top social justice experts handling this issue; it’s really challenging my previous model of motherhood” said Mr Grove’s Bishop.

Mr Grove plans to launch his awareness campaign with a new yellow triangle shaped car sign that states; “The Church is denying me my right to have a baby on board”.

Catholicism for Dummies

2006-02-27T16:16:00.000-08:00

A pictorial aid to the recently released "Catholicism for Dummies" book.

This is a Mass:

This is not a Mass:

Bishops:

Not Bishops:

Official Catholic teaching:

Not official Catholic teaching:

The Pope:

Not the Pope:

Media corporation appoints new manager

2006-02-20T18:57:00.000-08:00

Media giant TinEast announced today that they have appointed a monkey named Bo-Bo as the new manager of their global communications empire.

Spokesperson; Tania Harris, said that TinEast believes that Bo-Bo will bring a “fresh and exciting feel” to the global media company.

“He has a great sense of programming” said Ms Harris. “It was amazing how he really took a liking to the content we are already broadcasting and he has expressed some interesting new ideas”.

Bo-Bo has a background in children’s entertainment, which the board of TinEast believes will be beneficial to their recently announced focus on after-school entertainment.

Ms Harris said that Bo-Bo had excellent strengths in public relations. “I saw him spit and defecate on someone who had the gall to complain about our new Primetime Porn programming, it was amazing the way he handled the situation”.

When asked how he thought his skill set would benefit TinEast, Bo-Bo blew a raspberry and gave the assembled journalists the finger. Although some journalists were surprised by this response, TinEast board members clapped and cheered.

Bo-Bo takes up his new position later next week.

Dissenting group issues new liturgical instruction

2006-02-20T18:21:00.000-08:00

The dissenting group; We are Church, has released a new liturgical instruction titled: “Experimentus Makeitupus”.

The new instruction lists practises that are considered liturgical abuses by We are Church, and it dictates exactly what constitutes legitimate liturgical practise according to norms laid down by the We are Church liturgy committee.

Sister Beige-Cardy of We are Church said that she hopes “the new instruction will be a real step forward in clarifying exactly what constitutes good liturgy and what is unacceptable to We are Church”.

Experimentus Makeitupus names the following liturgical abuses as being most heinous and most urgently in need of corrective action:

1. The use of Latin - The more Latin the worse the abuse according to Experimentus Makeitupus. Sister Beige-Cardy said that “Latin during a liturgy is a real sign of a worshiping community in crisis”.

2. Male priests who consecrate without female concelebrants

3. Use of music that was written before 1970, or contains terms such as “Body and Blood of Christ”, “Redemption”, or “Father”.

4. Use of Creeds that clearly define an unchanging set of belief parameters

5. Use of gender specific words, unless they are female

6. The exclusive use of Christian Scripture

Sister Beige-Cardy sees these abuses as a real problem for worshiping communities and she believes that many problems are caused by the GIRM (General Instruction of the Roman Missal) that is used by the Catholic Church.

“We need to ditch the GIRM and start using the GRIME (General Rules I Myself Enjoy) instruction that We are Church issued some years ago” said Sister Beige-Cardy.

Experimentus Makeitupus also lists the following practises as necessary for a liturgy to be valid:

1. The presence of at least one rainbow coloured banner. If rainbow banners are not available then substitute fluorescent or primary coloured banners may be used but they must contain words such as "Justice", "Peace", or "Community".

2. At least one song by Mary Haugen must be sung.

3. The Homily must be delivered by a lay person, and it must focus primarily on feelings and emotions experienced by the Homilist.

4. The celebrant or Homilist must refer to at least one Catholic teaching that they dissent from. If this is not possible then they may refer to issues such as the war in Iraq, Greenpeace, or socialism, etc.

5. Feast days, such as Hans Kung’s birthday, must include a liturgical dance

6. The term “dig in” is a completely inappropriate formula to use when announcing the start of communion, the only valid formulas at this point of the liturgy are “The community bread is up, come and get it”, or “Feast at the table friends, and don’t forget to say thank you”.

7. When receiving the chalice at communion time, the recipient respond with; “cheers”, to signify their solidarity with the worshiping community

8. Kneeling is not a valid form of expression, unless the kneeler is expressing their devotion to mother earth.

Sister Beige-Cardy said that the new document would be sent to all We are Church members and that many Catholic parish liturgy committees had requested multiple copies of Experimentus Makeitupus.

Catholic Church announces product recall

2006-02-20T02:01:00.000-08:00

The Catholic Church today announced that it is instigating a massive product recall of their model VII Religious units.

Today’s Vatican issued press release states that there have been major deficiencies and functional problems with the VII Religious unit that have been caused by faulty programming. The VII Religious units were popular in the early seventies and eighties and were well known for their radical new design which incorporated pastel coloured tracksuits and knitted cardigans.

The VII units are notorious for their ingrained language chip faults which caused them to baulk when they encountered anything in Latin. These faults are also commonly attributed to the VII unit’s fascination with inclusive language and gender neutral words.

The Vatican press release warns about the following faults in the VII Religious units:

1. Faulty liturgy circuits which cause the units to act in strange and unpredictable ways during Masses and other liturgical gatherings.

2. A preference for folk music and acoustic guitars instead of the standard Gregorian Chant and Organ programming intended by the factory. This fault is commonly known as “Haugening".

3. A programming fault which keeps causing the female VII units to believe that they are actually Priest-bots, or meant to be Priest-bots.

4. Unexplained leanings towards ecumenical gatherings and liturgies that require the VII units to betray their original programming.

5. Faulty logic circuits that lead to completely self-initiated overrides of factory programming. This fault is commonly known as being “Kung-ed out” or “Foxed in the head.

6. Obedience circuits that continually short out.

Although the VII Religious units were intended to be more effective in their work many have actually become less efficient and some have simply stopped working altogether.

Despite their many glaring failures and aging technology, most VII units still believe that they are cutting edge technology.

The Vatican press release states that most VII units have very little knowledge of the actual VII protocols with which they were programmed.

New units are currently being produced and carefully programmed to replace the older faulty models.