Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Survivor Liturgy Island - Part Three

Eight Catholics…

Two teams…

One Island

Ten days of dubious liturgy…

But there can be only one survivor of Liturgy Island!

Day Ten:

Team Tridentine is in disarray!

After winning two challenges in a row, thus allowing them to keep their entire team intact, the team has polarized into two opposing factions.

The team problems started when Tom from Arkansas suggested that Marty Haugen should consider a new career writing jingles for Hemroid cream commercials.

Within moments, four of the island’s 27 liturgy directors had been informed of the comments and had made their way down to see Tom from Arkansas.

It seems that Tom from Arkansas had failed to read the Survivor Liturgy Island code of conduct which absolutely forbids the profaning of the holy trinity (Haugen, Hass, and Farrell) in word, speech or action.

The liturgists began berating Tom from Arkansas, insisting that he take back his blasphemous words or they would be forced to remove him from the island.

Jan from Ohio steps forward to insist that it was all a terrible misunderstanding and that Tom from Arkansas was merely suffering from Liturgy Island fever, a rare disorder brought on by the heat and lack of true liturgy.

But just as Jan from Ohio is almost finished convincing the liturgy directors that this was all just a terrible misunderstanding caused by sickness; John from New York steps forward and states that Tom from Arkansas was right about Marty Haugen.

He then also goes on to further enrage the Survivor Liturgy Island Liturgy Directors by stating that his “grandfather could write a better hymn than Marty, and he’s dead!”

Within moments the entire team is fighting, and the Liturgy Directors have evicted John from New York from the island.

Day Twelve:

Both teams awake to discover that intruders have been introduced to Survivor Liturgy Island.

Each team is forced to take one new team member who has been introduced to the island by the Liturgy Directors of Survivor Liturgy Island.

Team Tridentine is forced to accept Intruder Sally and Team Gregorian is forced to take Intruder Chris.

Intruder Chris immediately causes a ruckus by suggesting that Team Gregorian should take time out for a group hug and a Chakra healing session. This does not go down well with the team at all, with one team member even telling Intruder Chris that every time he opened his mouth he was lowering the IQ of the team.

Day Fifteen:

Things are becoming strained on Liturgy Island, now that the participants have been deprived of true liturgy for fifteen days.

Intruder Chris recommends that if his team would take the time to reconnect with mother earth then their negative energy would be displaced by a cosmic happiness and life-joy.

Mark from Chicago offers to “reconnect” Intruder Chris with mother earth by digging a hole for him to go take a flying leap into. Other Team Gregorian members offer to fill the hole in for Intruder Chris after he’s jumped into it.

The team challenge, which requires each team to make liturgical vestments, goes bad for Team Tridentine when an attempt to gather coconuts for their liturgical waistcoats results in a near fatal accident. One of the camera crew is crushed when a Team Tridentine member falls on him from a coconut tree.

Intruder Sally and Intruder Chris

Day Twenty:

Things have gone horribly awry on Survivor Liturgy Island, which now resembles Lord of the Flies.

Both teams have split into four separate schismatic groups, with all four teams claming that they are the only true and real champions and lords of Liturgy Island.

Team Tridentine now only performs liturgies at midnight and after reading a book by Father Richard Rohr they insist on getting naked at every possible occasion.

Team Gregorian now worships only on Tuesdays and they have developed a new liturgy called the divine rage, in which participants must vent anger at injustice in the patriarchal church.

The other two teams (Team Dionysus and Team Serenity) are living on separate sides of the island in caves. No one is really sure what they do, but their liturgies can be heard from the other side of the island.

A Team Gregorian member during a divine rage liturgy

Day Twenty Two:

Survivor Liturgy Island has turned to chaos.

After suggesting that they should try and reunite the teams with a trivia challenge about Matthew Fox and Hans Kung, three of the Liturgy Directors are eaten by Team Gregorian.

The other teams have erected a giant statue of Marty Haugan and are worshiping it eight times a day by praying the “Hail Marty”, a new prayer which they have written.

The prayer reads…

“Hail Marty, full of taste; the words are with thee
Blessed art thou are among music
ians and blessed is the fruit of thy keyboard; Creation Mass
Holy Marty, father of songs in G
Play for us singers, now and at the hour of our liturgy”

They are also halfway through constructing a “Hass Temple” beside the statue of Marty Haugen.

Day Thirty:

No one has heard from Liturgy Island since the television crew fled the island under cover of darkness.

Some of the Survivor Liturgy Island Liturgy Directors have joined teams (eight teams at last count) while others are working as liturgy consultants to several of the teams.

Sources tell us that Cardinal Arinze is on his way to Liturgy Island as we speak, with a team of specially trained and highly armed Swiss Guards.

This picture was taken as the camera crew fled the island under cover of darkness

Survivor Liturgy Island - Part Two

Eight Catholics…

Two teams…

One Island

Ten days of dubious liturgy…

But there can be only one survivor of Liturgy Island!

Day Four:

Trouble has erupted on Liturgy Island, with Team Tridentine having been caught with a copy of the Divine Office.

This is a clear violation of Survivor Liturgy Island rules which only allow participants to use Depak Chopra’s “Book of Secrets” for personal prayer liturgies.

Team Tridentine is rather vague about exactly who owns this copy of the Divine Office, but eventually Tom from Arkansas confesses that he smuggled it on to the island.

Tom is sternly warned about his violation of Liturgy Island rules and then sent back to Team Tridentine.

Day Six:

Its team challenge time again on Survivor Liturgy Island.

In today’s challenge, each of the teams is given a raw fish, a piece of bread and a loaf of un-sliced wholegrain bread.

They have two hours to come up with a liturgy involving only these three items.

Within minutes Team Gregorian has eaten their bread and fish and they are only left with the basket to complete their challenge. Dave from Kentucky suggests that they use the basket as a love offering to the creator God - the team thinks this is a brilliant idea but they aren’t sure exactly what a love offering is or how to actually do one.

Meanwhile Team Tridentine is busy planning their liturgy of the fish, bread and basket. John from New York suggests that they use the items to create and perform a liturgical dance called “Justice and transformation”, the team agrees and thinks that the title is so irrelevant and vague that it is just perfect.

The horn sounds to signal that the teams must now perform their liturgies for the judges.

Team Gregorian starts with their liturgy; which they have called “The Basket of dreaming”.

The team sits in a circle and sings “Let there be love shared among us” while Dave from Kentucky walks into the middle of the circle and places the basket in the centre. The team falls silent and Dave prays the “prayer of transformation” that Team Gregorian has written especially for the liturgy.

“Oh creator God, You who knows our longing for true justice and understanding, make us a community of hope. May our dreaming be dreamy and our passion be passionate, as we seek true justice from the oppressive tyranny of the patriarchal church. Fill our basket with the fire of dreaming. For ever and ever, Awoman”

Team Tridentine is then called forward to perform their liturgy, which they have called “Justice and Transformation.”

Immediately Team Tridentine form a line behind John from New York and they begin to do an American Indian rain dance type chant.

While they chant, John from New York grabs the basket and begins to wave it wildly in the air shouting “basket of justice, where is thy bounty? Basket of justice why are you so empty?”

This continues for ten minutes, and then he places the basket back on the ground and picks up the loaf of un-sliced wholegrain bread and proceeds to walk the line of chanting Team Tridentine members. As he passes each team member he chants “kiss the bread of new beginnings”, and each team member bows and kisses the un-sliced wholegrain bread.

John from New York returns the bread to the ground and proceeds to pick up the fish. Dancing around and swinging the fish wildly by the tail he begins to sing “Gather your people oh God”. Halfway through Gather your people oh God, the head of the fish comes loose and flies off, within moments the entire Team Tridentine is covered in flying fish entrails that have escaped from the now decapitated fish.

Team Tridentine finish by saying “for ever and ever, Agenderless being” loudly together.

John from New York demonstrates how he swung the fish during Team Tridentine's liturgy

The judges are stunned and struggle to make up their mind which of the two liturgies is more beautiful and sacred. After 20 minutes of tense deliberations, the judges announce that Team Tridentine is the winner of the challenge.

Team Gregorian walks dejectedly back to the Parish Council area for the eviction vote.

Dave from Kentucky is voted off the island by a unanimous vote, with all of the Team Gregorian members stating that they believe Dave was too “pre-Vatican II” in the way he led the team’s liturgy.

To be continued…

The Litrugy Island Parish Council area

On the next
Survivor Liturgy Island:

An intruder is introduced to the island, and the two teams must create their own liturgical vestments and recite trivia about Hans Kung and Matthew Fox.

Monday, July 24, 2006

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