Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Al Gore to release seven new sequels to An Inconvenient Truth

After the box office success of his environmental apocalyptic thriller, An Inconvenient Truth, Al Gore has decided to continue the franchise with the following new sequels:

An Inconvenient Brew:
In this documentary movie Al Gore examines the dangers presented to mankind by homebrew beer. Al speaks to experts in the field of homebrewing, many of whom have experienced firsthand the danger that homebrew presents to mankind (especially when you drive after drinking five litres of it).

An Inconvenient Sleuth:
In this documentary movie Al Gore examines the serious threat posed to the planet by private investigators. Al presents clips from the “World’s Wildest Police Videos 37” and eyewitness accounts from Duane “Dog” Chapman of the cult TV show “Dog the Bounty Hunter”.

An Inconvenient Spew:
In this documentary movie Al Gore examines the cataclysmic dangers presented to mankind by stomach bugs and food poisoning. Al presents convincing evidence which shows that if we don’t close all fried chicken takeaway outlets within the next five years the population of the world will literally vomit itself to death.

An Incontinent Truth:
In this documentary movie Al Gore examines the fatal consequences of ignoring the global threat of incontinence. Al presents frightening pictures from rest homes around the globe and then uses them to show that if we don’t start spending millions more tax payer dollars on adult diapers the world as we know it could cease to exist.

An Inconvenient Crew:
In this documentary movie Al Gore explores the dangers presented to the environment by white gangsta rap. Al speaks to Vanilla Ice, who has reformed since his chart topping days, and become a campaigner promoting the message of the dangers of unchecked global wrapping (white rapping).

An Inconvenient Booth:
In this documentary movie Al Gore explores the serious threat posed to global economies and social stability by the Salvation Army church. Al speaks to ex-members of this Protestant denomination and discovers a seedy underbelly of global corruption and illegal arms trading that threatens humanity.

An Inconvenient Tooth:
In this documentary movie Al Gore examines the frightening dangers posed to humanity by global tooth decay. Al speaks to the nation’s leading dentists, and all of them who were paid by Al Gore’s production company agree that global tooth decay will bring about an increase in hurricanes, floods and bad breath.

There is no word yet on when the first of the new movies will be in theatres.

The Liturgical Experimenter’s guide to Lent

Welcome to another edition of the Liturgical Experimenter’s Guide; today we will be focusing on the rather seasonal topic of Lent.

As you are probably well aware Lent is the purple season, and what better way to encourage the parish community to enter more fully into the season of Lent than by holding Barney Liturgies every Sunday in Lent?

That’s right folks, the purple people eater himself is the perfect sacramental sign to promote this most purple and penitent of seasons.

A) He’s purple

B) He’s a dinosaur who abstains from eating human flesh


Here's Barney leading the parish children’s liturgy in a Marty Haugen song during Communion - now that’s what I call active participation in the liturgy!

Barney greets the ushers before Mass – have you ever seen such happy parishioners in your parish?!

Barney and the Eucharistic Ministers prepare for Communion:

We all know that Lent is about penance, but who says that Lent has to be boring?!

Monday, February 19, 2007

New products for Ash Wednesday 2007

International company; Easy Ecclesiology, is proud to announce the following new product line especially for Ash Wednesday 2007…

The "don't show your good works before men" Catholic Wig:

Ever been harassed by a fellow work colleague or racket ball partner on Ash Wednesday, just because you had a black ash cross on your forehead?

Well the Easy Ecclesiology company is proud to offer a real solution to this embarrassing situation.

The Discreet Catholic Wig comes in seven fashionable styles and four colour options; just check out these hip options for a more discreet Ash Wednesday experience:

The Metallica:

Hillbilly punk:

The Bon Jovi:

The Chuck Norris:

The early Michael Jackson:

And for the ladies…

The blonde early Michael Jackson:

$49.95 plus P&P is all it takes to save yourself any more Ash Wednesday embarrassment!

Euthanasia promoter accidentally kills himself during suicide workshop

Euthanasia advocate, Dr. Will Killu, died earlier today while conducting one of his self-titled “suicide workshops” for doctors and other medical professionals.

Surprised participants initially had no idea that Dr Killu was dying in front of them as he demonstrated his custom “Death with dignity” TM plastic bag.

“He placed the bag over his head and then pulled the draw string and next thing you know he was writhing on the ground” said workshop participant Dr. Ira Jansen.

“We all thought he was pulling a prank. I mean, after all, he had just finished explaining to us about how his Death with dignity bag TM offered a truly peaceful and dignified way to end the life of a patient, and here he was convulsing and writhing on the ground in front of us” said Dr. Jansen.

It seems that many of Dr. Jansen’s fellow medical professionals who were also attending the workshop thought that Dr Killu was playing a trick on them, and as a result no one actually came forward to investigate what was happening to him for more than 15 minutes, at which stage he was already dead.

Initial media reports had suggested that Dr. Killu had intentionally used his suicide workshop for doctors and medical professionals to end his own life, but his wife Clara has strongly rejected such suggestions.

“Will would have never taken his own life; he just thought that euthanasia was a great way to become famous and make money from lonely elderly people” said Clara Killu during a phone interview earlier today.

Mrs Killu says that she plans to continue the euthanasia advocacy of her late husband Will, and she hopes to release a special suicide bag in his honour called the “Will Killu Bag”.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Urgent staff memo from Sen. John Edwards

Staff Memo

To: All Staff

From: Senator John Edwards

Importance: High priority

Dear team,

After recent events surrounding certain staff members and their personal blogs, I am requesting that all members of staff be more cautious and vigilant in regards to the public statements they make in their own personal time outside of this office.

As you are well aware; I do not support religious intolerance or bigotry of any sort.

In fact, the only thing I hate more than religious bigotry and intolerance is Catholicism.

Thank you for your time.

Kind regards,

Senator John Edwards

P.s. I have included some recent photos from the campaign trail, enjoy.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Man mistakes a We are Church meeting for fancy dress expo

Ohio couple, David and Kathy Farrar, managed to raise the ire of Catholic dissident group “We are Church” last Saturday by accidentally mistaking one of their gatherings for a “fancy dress expo”.

“It was a genuine mistake” said Mr Farrar to a local Catholic journalist on Saturday afternoon.

Mr Farrar and his wife Kathy had been invited to a friend’s fancy dress birthday party, so last Saturday they took a trip into town to find a shop that could sell them some costumes for the party.

While walking through town, Mr Farrar said they “decided to take a shortcut through the local convention centre.”

“While we were in there we noticed some women dressed up in what we thought were Egyptian priestess costumes” said David Farrar.

“My wife and I thought that they might be able to show us where they got their hilarious costumes from, so we followed them.”

As David and Kathy Farrar approached the two women they found themselves suddenly rounding a corner into the We are Church conference.

“We couldn’t believe our eyes” said Kathy Farrar, “there were more women dressed as Egyptian priestesses and some were even dressed as priests, it was a real hoot.”

It was at this point that things turned out rather badly for David and Kathy Farrar.

“We thought it was a fancy dress expo, I mean everyone knows that women can’t be priests and no normal person dresses like an Egyptian priestess, so we naturally thought it was a fancy dress expo; they even had stalls set up and everything” said Mr Farrar.

At this point David and Kathy Farrar approached someone behind one of the stalls and asked where they could buy one of the costumes from because “all their friends would laugh themselves silly at a woman pretending to be a priest.”

“The lady behind the stall just went nuts” said David Farrar; “her eyes glazed over and she started frothing at the mouth and hurling abuse at me and my wife, I really became concerned at that point and I tried to lead Kathy to an exit.”

It is uncertain how things developed from this point, as witnesses tell conflicting stories, but before David and Kathy Farrar could reach the exit they were surrounded by angry women in rainbow cassocks and strangely quiet men with ponytails and pastel waistcoats on.

“I looked into the eyes of those men and I saw nothing” said Kathy Farrar; “it was like they had been turned into zombies who were controlled by the women in the room. They just kept apologising for being “born a male”.

David and Kathy said they really became fearful when the mob began chanting “en-i-gram” over and over again in unison.

“I have no idea what an enigram is, but I knew that I didn’t want to stick around to find out” said David Farrar.

At this point the convention centre security guards stepped in and removed David and Kathy Farrar from the conference area.

David and Kathy Farrar are still uncertain whether they will attend their friend’s fancy dress birthday party after the ordeal they experienced at the We are Church convention.

An artist's depiction of the men the Farrars encountered

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Liturgy

A guide to spotting a modern parish Liturgy Director

Many people have written to us asking how they can know when their parish has been invaded by a modern Liturgy Director and what can be done to deal with such an infestation.

This is a very important question, as the modern liturgy director has become a great concern to many parishes.

What is also of great concern is that once a modern liturgy director has become well established in a parish their presence will usually lead to the infestation of lesser species, such as liturgical dancers, in a parish.

The presence of a modern liturgy director also usually leads to the degradation of the music that is used in parish Masses.

So, as a public service; we offer the following guide to spotting and dealing with a modern parish liturgy director…

Modern Liturgy Director (Liturgus Disruptus)

Varies, but usually between 40 and 55 years of age

Usually female, but not always

They always prefer a keyboard over an organ, and they will never ever be seen near a pipe organ (it is unknown if the modern liturgy director has a natural and instinctive aversion to pipe organs)

Usually wears a full length coat, no matter what season it is. Some speculate that the coat may actually be a subconscious reflection of the modern liturgy director’s desire to be the one in the parish who gets to wear the priestly vestments.

A typical modern liturgy director's coat

Usually wears a large scarf, once again; the wearing of the scarf has nothing to do with the weather outside.

Researchers believe that the scarf is a sign of liturgical hierarchy and is designed to compete with the priestly Stoll. Several scientists have observed that creatures that are subservient to the modern liturgy director, such as cantors and liturgical dancers usually never wear scarves.

Two examples of typical modern liturgy director scarves

Modern liturgy directors also have extremely large bags that they carry everywhere with them. These bags are usually stuffed beyond capacity with music books and guides to making rainbow banners, etc.

Some examples of typical modern liturgy director bags...

These bags never contain Vatican issued documents about liturgy, and they never contain musical scores that date back beyond 1970.

Dr Carl Rivers, a liturgy specialist from Ohio, believes that the modern liturgy director’s bag may even contain some sort of worm hole/ time travel device that allows the modern liturgy director to traverse back to the 1960’s and 70’s to gather ideas for the liturgies they direct.

Another sure sign that you are dealing with a modern liturgy director is the key ring they carry.

It is widely known that modern liturgy directors have key chains that contain more keys than any other keychain known to man. The modern liturgy director usually caries keys to all of the doors in the Church, the piano (and the padlock for the organ), the parish centre, the parish cleaning cupboard, etc, etc.

A typical lay person's key ring

It is believed that some modern liturgy directors even hold the belief that Peter was the first modern liturgy director and that Christ really gave modern liturgy directors, and not the Church, the Keys to the Kingdom.

Modern liturgy directors are a creature of habit and control; and these keys enable them to keep tabs on all aspects of the parish life, even those that have nothing to do with the liturgy. They will often appear unannounced during parish meetings, etc and many have even worked their way onto parish councils by simply being first to arrive and open up the parish meeting room every month, until it gets to the point that everyone on the council just presumes that they are actually meant to be there.

A typical modern liturgy director's key ring

A display of keys removed from the key ring of a modern liturgy director

They also use their keys to lock away the music, etc for sacred hymn books so that when someone suggests that a hymn like Hail Redeemer King Divine is used at a coming Mass the modern liturgy director is able to respond by saying; “that would be great, but the music and hymn books with that song in them are locked away somewhere, and no one knows where they are”.

How to remove a modern liturgy director from your parish…

This is an area of research that is still in its infancy, and unfortunately we can only offer limited advice in regards to the best methods for removing modern liturgy directors from your parish.

The research is clear that modern liturgy directors have an aversion to Latin or Gregorian chant; many observers have photographed modern liturgy directors screwing up their faces during Latin or Gregorian chant.

We know that some parishes have also had great success in removing modern liturgy directors after the appointment of a new (usually Generation X) parish priest.

Prayer and Eucharistic Adoration seems to be the most effective method of removing a modern liturgy director and the associated infestations – but this process requires devotion and commitment from all involved (usually takes a while).

We hope this guide has been helpful to you.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

San Francisco Catholic Charities “lead the way”

Just weeks after San Francisco Catholic Charities announced that they had found a compromise in handling cases of adoption of children to homosexual partners, other San Francisco diocesan departments have decided to follow their example.

Brian Cahill, the head of the diocesan-funded Catholic Charities, announced that three staff members will be working with a non-profit adoption agency, California Kids Connection, that has no moral qualms about placing children in homosexual households.

Cahill said he believes this compromise with what the Vatican sees as a “grave evil” will be in keeping with Catholic directives not to be “directly involved in the placement” of a child in a gay household .

Now other diocesan departments have announced similar changes to the way they operate.

David Rankin, of the San Francisco diocesan Life and Family department, announced yesterday that “we obviously don’t refer women for abortions, as that would be gravely immoral, so from now on all women who come to us with a crisis pregnancy will be referred to the local Planned Parenthood clinic for counseling.”

San Francisco priest; Father Stuart Smyth, told his parish last Sunday that it would obviously be “immoral” for him to supply parishioners who think that the Catholic Church is the “whore of Babylon” with anti-Catholic publications about this issue. “Instead I will now be referring parishioners who think that the Church is the scarlet woman from the book of Revelation to the Jack T. Chick Foundation for counseling and support” Father Smyth told his parishioners at Sunday Mass last week.

Changes have also been announced at the San Francisco Diocesan Marriage Counseling Centre.

“We deal with a lot of husbands who struggle with pornography, something that the Church is obviously very opposed to” said Sheena Kratz, head of the Marriage Counseling Centre.
“From now on, we will be referring all husbands who struggle with pornography to Tony’s Adult Bookstore for advice on this very important matter” said Ms Kratz.
It is uncertain how many other departments in the San Francisco diocese will follow the lead of San Francisco Catholic Charities.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Knight Writer

Staring David Haas - elhoff as...

Michael Knight

And Casio CTK230 as...

Kit - the Super-Keyboard with Artificial Intelligence

Michael Knight is dedicated to fighting beautiful sacred music; one song at a time, with the help of Kit, his Super-Keyboard, and the financial backing of the secretive and powerful GATHER Foundation.

Coming soon to a parish liturgy committee near you!