The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Liturgy

A guide to spotting a modern parish Liturgy Director

Many people have written to us asking how they can know when their parish has been invaded by a modern Liturgy Director and what can be done to deal with such an infestation.

This is a very important question, as the modern liturgy director has become a great concern to many parishes.

What is also of great concern is that once a modern liturgy director has become well established in a parish their presence will usually lead to the infestation of lesser species, such as liturgical dancers, in a parish.

The presence of a modern liturgy director also usually leads to the degradation of the music that is used in parish Masses.

So, as a public service; we offer the following guide to spotting and dealing with a modern parish liturgy director…

Name:
Modern Liturgy Director (Liturgus Disruptus)

Age:
Varies, but usually between 40 and 55 years of age

Gender:
Usually female, but not always

Traits:
They always prefer a keyboard over an organ, and they will never ever be seen near a pipe organ (it is unknown if the modern liturgy director has a natural and instinctive aversion to pipe organs)

Usually wears a full length coat, no matter what season it is. Some speculate that the coat may actually be a subconscious reflection of the modern liturgy director’s desire to be the one in the parish who gets to wear the priestly vestments.

A typical modern liturgy director's coat

Usually wears a large scarf, once again; the wearing of the scarf has nothing to do with the weather outside.

Researchers believe that the scarf is a sign of liturgical hierarchy and is designed to compete with the priestly Stoll. Several scientists have observed that creatures that are subservient to the modern liturgy director, such as cantors and liturgical dancers usually never wear scarves.

Two examples of typical modern liturgy director scarves

Modern liturgy directors also have extremely large bags that they carry everywhere with them. These bags are usually stuffed beyond capacity with music books and guides to making rainbow banners, etc.

Some examples of typical modern liturgy director bags...

These bags never contain Vatican issued documents about liturgy, and they never contain musical scores that date back beyond 1970.

Dr Carl Rivers, a liturgy specialist from Ohio, believes that the modern liturgy director’s bag may even contain some sort of worm hole/ time travel device that allows the modern liturgy director to traverse back to the 1960’s and 70’s to gather ideas for the liturgies they direct.

Another sure sign that you are dealing with a modern liturgy director is the key ring they carry.

It is widely known that modern liturgy directors have key chains that contain more keys than any other keychain known to man. The modern liturgy director usually caries keys to all of the doors in the Church, the piano (and the padlock for the organ), the parish centre, the parish cleaning cupboard, etc, etc.

A typical lay person's key ring

It is believed that some modern liturgy directors even hold the belief that Peter was the first modern liturgy director and that Christ really gave modern liturgy directors, and not the Church, the Keys to the Kingdom.

Modern liturgy directors are a creature of habit and control; and these keys enable them to keep tabs on all aspects of the parish life, even those that have nothing to do with the liturgy. They will often appear unannounced during parish meetings, etc and many have even worked their way onto parish councils by simply being first to arrive and open up the parish meeting room every month, until it gets to the point that everyone on the council just presumes that they are actually meant to be there.

A typical modern liturgy director's key ring

A display of keys removed from the key ring of a modern liturgy director

They also use their keys to lock away the music, etc for sacred hymn books so that when someone suggests that a hymn like Hail Redeemer King Divine is used at a coming Mass the modern liturgy director is able to respond by saying; “that would be great, but the music and hymn books with that song in them are locked away somewhere, and no one knows where they are”.

How to remove a modern liturgy director from your parish…

This is an area of research that is still in its infancy, and unfortunately we can only offer limited advice in regards to the best methods for removing modern liturgy directors from your parish.

The research is clear that modern liturgy directors have an aversion to Latin or Gregorian chant; many observers have photographed modern liturgy directors screwing up their faces during Latin or Gregorian chant.

We know that some parishes have also had great success in removing modern liturgy directors after the appointment of a new (usually Generation X) parish priest.

Prayer and Eucharistic Adoration seems to be the most effective method of removing a modern liturgy director and the associated infestations – but this process requires devotion and commitment from all involved (usually takes a while).

We hope this guide has been helpful to you.