Sunday, March 12, 2006

Pope apoints five new Bishops

Earlier this month the Vatican announced that the Pope had finalised the appointment of five new Bishops to various dioceses around the world.

The new appointments have raised the ire of some within the Church, but most Catholics appear to be very happy with the new Bishops, and one well known Catholic commentator has even praised the Pope for his boldness in addressing current pastoral concerns.

Below are the details of the five new Bishops.

Bishop Chuck Norris:

Many will be familiar with Bishop Chuck Norris’ earlier career as a one man military machine specialising in bringing down Marxist empires, which is why most commentators feel that he is the ideal man to deal with the Catholic schools within his new diocese.

He was recently overheard telling a group of dissenting theologians to “shut up, wise up, and sit the heck down because they were making the diocese look untidy”.

He is also the only Bishop known to have a round house kick as part of his pastoral plan.

Bishop Han Solo:

You’d better sort out the parking arrangements in your diocese, because your next Bishop could be arriving in the Millennium Falcon!

Bishop Han Solo is often referred to as the “Augustine of space” because of the fact that he was a selfish pleasure seeking sinner who later in life converted and became a selfless warrior in the fight against the evil galactic Empire led by Darth Vader.

When asked about his new role as Bishop he replied; “ well it ain’t like dusting crops kid”.

Co-Adjudicator Bishop Chewbacca the Wookie:

Bishop Chewbacca the Wookie has been appointed as Co-Adjudicator Bishop with Bishop Han Solo.

Bishop Chewbacca is popular with many in Catholic youth ministry circles, but it has often been suggested that his homilies are a little bit hard to understand. Despite this, he is known as a no nonsense Bishop of action who doesn’t mess around when it comes to theological dissent.

When Bishop Han Solo was asked what’s so different about having a Wookie as your Diocesan Bishop; Solo replied “well; a regular Bishop won’t rip your arms off if you challenge the Magisterium of the Catholic Church”.

Bishop Dutch Schaeffer:

Many people thought that Dutch Schaeffer had gone into retirement after taking on, and beating, the Predator alien in a South American jungle, but it turns out that he was actually in the seminary.

Most commentators feel that his proven track record in rooting out and dealing with an evil Predator that can camouflage itself and hide in our midst will result in him being a Bishop who is keenly attentive to the Catechesis Office in his new diocese.

He was also well known in the seminary for the catchphrase “I’ll be back”, which most of his classmates are sure will keep many religious sisters in his new diocese on their game.

Bishop John McLean:

In the early nineties John McLean single-handedly took back the Nakitomi Towers from a group of deranged terrorists who were holding the building hostage.

It is believed that his impressive and heroic bravery during the Nakitomi siege will make him an excellent asset in most Diocesan Office Buildings, which are plagued by liturgical and theological terrorists.

It is also rumoured that Bishop John McLean has plans to institute a new online correspondence course for Catholic clergy entitled; “Time to cowboy the heck up and start acting like a real priest.”

To date there has been no official word from the Vatican about which five Dioceses the new Bishops will be appointed to.


Askinstoo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
sirhair said...


This is a great post brother!

PriestSecondClass said...

All right! A whole new genre of Chuck Norris jokes! OK, I'll bite:

At his baptism, Chuck Norris wasn't sprinkled. He was drowned. And resurrected. Three times. The last two only after an appeal to the bishop, citing Catechism #1239.

Screwtape said...

Maybe we can get the new bishops to clean out the NCCB (sorry, I can't get used to the new acronyms.)

Think what they could accomplish in Rome!

Screwtape said...

Five new bishops, and four of them are men!

Will wonders never cease!

fimwat said...

and here is Bishop Chuck Norris in action!