Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Dissenting Enigma machine found!




The D-Enigma machine










Earlier today the Cardinal Newman Society announced that they had been able to capture an Enigma Machine from a dissenting Catholic group.

The Enigma machine, used by dissenting groups to code their communiqu├ęs and public statements, is commonly known as the D-Enigma.

A spokesman for the Cardinal Newman Society would not comment on exactly how his group came into possession of the machine, but it is understood that a dissenting group may have accidentally left the machine in a Diocesan Centre after one of their weekly meetings.

The D-Enigma machine is almost identical to the famous Enigma machine used by the Germans during World War II and it is being used by dissenting groups to encode and decode their public statements about the Church and theology.

A basic dissenting message or teaching is typed up using the D-Enigma machine, which encodes the original message. When an encoded message is typed into the D-Enigma machine it is decoded to supply a copy of the original message content.

Some examples of actual messages that have been coded and decoded by the Cardinal Newman Society using the D-Enigma machine are…

Original coded Message:
“The Church needs to focus on addressing issues of injustice”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“We want married, gay, and women priests”

Original coded Message:
“We need a pastoral plan that focuses on the horizontal, as well as the vertical aspects of faith”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“We need to stop talking about divinity and salvation, and start focusing on feelings and hosting more wine and cheese evenings in the parish”

Original coded Message:
“It’s a conscience issue”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“Whatever you do, don’t listen to the Magisterium of the Catholic Church!”

Original coded Message:
“We are Church”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“We are Catholics who really want to be liberal Anglicans.”

Original coded Message:
“That’s not my model of Church”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“I don’t like obeying the teachings of the Holy Spirit given through the Magisterium of the Catholic Church, so I’m going to make myself into my own personal Magisterium.”

Original coded Message:
“God is found in the sacrament of the ordinary”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“I don’t believe in the divine, unless it’s new age”

Original coded Message:
“The Church hierarchy needs to listen more to the stories of its people”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“We need to have more wine and cheese evenings to talk about our feelings and all the Church teachings we don’t like.”

Original coded Message:
“The Church hierarchy are obsessed with sex and genital issues”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“I hate Humane Vitae, Evangelium Vitae, and Theology of the Body.”

Original coded Message:
“The Church is not adhering to the Spirit of Vatican II”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“The actual documents of Vatican II don’t support my position so I’m going to appeal to something intangible like the feelings and emotions of dissenters who went to Vatican II and then later misrepresented it in the public arena.”

The interior mechanism of the D-Enigama







The D-Enigma in its case



22 comments:

Brian Michael Page said...

Here's one:

ORIGINAL MESSAGE:
Gregorian chant holds pride of place.

NOW DECODED BY D-ENIGMA:
But Haugen and Haas are popular, so we'll use their muzak instead.

I think your device was approved by the NPM.

Peace,
BMP

Chris said...

. . . I think the "pastoral team" at my parish has one of these!

ORIGNAL Message (orinating from choir director):
I like to use Cuban percussion, and African spirituals to remind us of the universality of the Church.

DECODED:
It isn't as though the Church has a universal language, so we'll bastardize other cultures music. Latin what?

Big Tom said...

Original Message:
"We have postponed implementation out of 'pastoral concern'"

Decoded:
"We don't like it, it doesn't make us feel good and our congregation is too dumb to read new lines other than the cheesy ones we made up and had them memorize already."

ugh!

Doogie said...

From the Catholic Religious Conference (see http://convert-man.blogspot.com/2006/03/dissent-dialogue-and-brothers-but-it.html)

Original:
We regret... the prohibition, by Roman authorities, from holding communal celebrations of penance with general absolution despite the fact that the People of God had expressed their positive support for this practice.

Decoded:
Let the people decide what the will of God is.


Wow, this machine is amazing!

Paul, just this guy, you know? said...

My current favorite:

Original Message:
"...the respect owed to the successors of the apostles..."

Decoded:
"You conservatives shut up while we re-make the church in our own image."

Orthodoxy said...

I was gonna post about The St. Paul/Minny Archbishop's response about Fr. Altier as well, but you beat me to it!

btw, I think that certain Catholic politicians also have access to the D-Enigma device.

toJesusthruMary said...

This post is hilarious. Almost as good about men who want to be mothers. Here is a good message
Original:
We have different ecclesiologies
Decoded:
I am no longer Roman Catholic. I used to be, but then I was misguided by Sister Lost my Habit.

onionboy said...

Look, absolutely the last thing I need is another Catholic blog to read so I blame you and this single post for making me, forcing me and miter point to add your RSS to my feed reads.


ORIGINAL MESSAGE:
The ability to increase cultural relevance and encourage worship would be enhanded by moving the choir to a position of greater visability.

DECODED BY D-ENIGMA
Who the hell knows I'm diva material if no one can even see me? I'm reverting to that Protestant seeker church down the road.

KaleJ said...

My submission:
Original coded Message:
“...the second greatest commandment!”

Same message after decoding by the D-Enigma machine:
“I can ignore whatever the Church says; because, I like me.”

RyanL said...

ORIGINAL MESSAGE:
"True freedom is found in obedience."

DECODED:
*Clank* *Clonk* *Grind* *Sssssssss*

Cory said...

Original Message:

The Church is increasingly subjugating women.

Translation:

The Church is mean because it won't ordain women and needs to do that and stop running them off for public dissent.

Christine said...

You didn't have a trackback, but I thought I'd let you know that I linked to this. It was too funny not to!

How about this one (which was in our intentions one Sunday):

ORIGINAL MESSAGE:
We pray that our pope, Benedict XVI, will listen carefully to the voices of the faithful.

DECODED MESSAGE:
The pope needs to take polls and do what we think is right. Never mind the Holy Spirit! Make the Church a democracy!

Father Stephanos, O.S.B. said...

-

ORIGINAL MESSAGE:
"The Mass is ended. Go in peace!"

DECODED:
"You guys who are still here have my blessing, but those who've already left can go to ----."

-

Father Stephanos, O.S.B. said...

Oops! That's not a message of dissent. However, that's what I want to say.

Mike L said...

Original message: "We are building the Church of tomorrow."

Decoded message: "To be Catholic means what it will mean when we take over."

Ric said...

Too funny!

Kenneth Fisher, Founder & CRCOA said...

At the Archdiocese of Lost Angels Congress, the Key Note speaker Fr. Radcliff, O.P. told everyone present to get closer to gay people, to read more gay literature, and to go see "Brokeback Mountain" so much for Mahony's promise that all speakers are orthodox.

Kenneth M. Fisher, Founder & Chairman
Concerned Roman Catholics of America, Inc.

Erin of Forest Glen said...

Dear All- You are all way funny.

Ryanl, yours was the best! You're hilarious.

(I'm a little bias as your submission is practically the title of a paper I'm writing...we must be simpatico!)

Compassionate Crank said...

ORIGINAL MESSAGE:
"Benedict must choose between an eventual retreat to the pre-modern, pre-Reformation world of the Middle Ages, or a forward-looking long view which will take the Church into the post-modern universe that the rest of the world entered for quite some time."

DECODED:
WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! (feet pounding on the floor)

(Actual statement by Hans Kung)

K T Cat said...

Great stuff!

Screwtape said...

I'm wondering why this machine so resembles what we used to spread horse manure back when I still lived on the farm. The big one was pulled by a tractor. This was the hand-held model: they always saved it for me. You still don't want to come near the shoes I wore, which I kept in case I ever have to go to a Novus Ordure (sic) and don't want to stand out.

At least the smell's the same. That's an improvement: in Roger the Dodger Land it has replaced smog.

Good show. Worthy of a PH.D. (Better hustle, Erin of Forest Glen!)

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