Monday, May 22, 2006

Details of new Dan Brown book revealed!


















Inside sources at Doubleday Publishers have leaked documents that give details of the new, soon to be released, historical thriller by Da Vinci Code author, Dan Brown.

The book will be called “The Mozart Conspiracy”, but the leaked papers contain no details about the exact date it will be released to the general public.

The Mozart Conspiracy is set 6 months after the events of the Da Vinci Code; in which time Robert Langdon has been able to qualify, with an internet based learning provider, as a professor and leading international expert in “Musicology”, or the study of secret musical codes and symbolism.

This complements Langdon’s other qualifications as a symbologist, foodologist, animologist, and McDonald’s team leader.

The Mozart Conspiracy starts with the strange food poisoning death of world famous composer Jagger Mick, at the Sydney Opera House. Langdon happens to be in Australia at the time of the murder and was scheduled to meet with Jagger Mick just hours before his strange and sudden food poisoning death.

As the leading expert in Musicology; Langdon is called to the Sydney Opera House to assist with the police investigation.

It is not long however before Langdon becomes suspicious that something altogether more sinister is afoot.

First he discovers that Jagger Mick’s musical score for the Madame Butterfly opera contains the songs “Killing me softly”, “I shot the sheriff”, and “Don’t fear the reaper”. The Australian police however refuse to buy into Langdon’s theories that these songs are out of place in a world famous operatic score, or that they point to the fact that Jagger Mick has been murdered. Langdon’s suspicions are aroused even further when he discovers a ceremonial lance and nine .22 calibre bullets in Jagger Mick’s back.

After meeting up with Indiana Jones at a local Australian pub; the two famous adventurers decide to team up to try and solve the mystery of Jagger Mick’s death.

Before long the pair find themselves embroiled in an international conspiracy that crosses thousands of years, and involves the highest officials in the US Republican Party, the Vatican, and the Missionaries of Charity founded by the late Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta.

It turns out that Mother Teresa is only being beatified by the Vatican, with the support of the powerful US Republican Party, in return for the many Vatican Conclaves and Republican fundraising dinners which she and her nuns catered with the best authentic Indian cuisine available.

To the outside world the Missionaries of Charity are an order of religious sisters dedicated to serving the poor; in actual fact however the whole time they have been spying on India and Pakistan for the US Republican Party.

But things have come to head, as the Missionaries of Charity have learnt of a secret so powerful that it could topple their powerful Republican masters. If they can gain full knowledge of this secret then they will be able to covertly rule the United States of America by controlling the powerful US Republican Party by way of blackmail, thus making the Missionaries of Charity the puppet masters of the most powerful nation on earth.

What is this secret so powerful that it could change the world as we know it?

Many people thought that Conan the Barbarian was a fictional character invented by Hollywood; but in actual fact he was a real historical figure who sired a son, who in turn begat another son, who begat a son of his own, and so on, and so on, until the present day.

It turns out that the modern descendant of Conan the Barbarian, and the rightful heir to the US Presidency, is none other than Democratic Party leader John Kerry.

In an effort to deny Democratic leader John Kerry of his rightful title as US President; George Bush and the Republican Party formed an allegiance with the Vatican, and the sinister Missionaries of Charity. This powerful alliance intended to rig the US elections in order to ensure a win for George Bush and the Republican Party, but it turned that John Kerry couldn’t beat a one legged man in a butt whipping contest so George Bush and the powerful Republicans needed no help when it came to election time.

This allegiance existed without problems for many years, but with the passing of Mother Teresa came the appointment of a new superior for the Missionaries of Charity; Mother Viaticum Absolution. Not merely content to remain subservient to the powerful US Republican Party; Mother Viaticum sends one of her trained assassins – Sister Hypostatic Unction – to seek out the powerful secret of the warrior bloodline of Conan the Barbarian.

To unveil the truth Sister Hypostatic Unction must seek out and kill the members of the secret society entrusted, since the time of Conan, with the task of protecting the warrior bloodline and ensuring that the rightful heir is elected to the US Presidency.

This secret society; known as AMWAY, was formed in 4000 BC and has been headed by many famous people; including none other than Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Mozart, which is an anagram for Zartom, Ratzom, and Artmoz, used secret codes in his music to pass information on to other members of AMWAY.

With the help of Indiana Jones; Robert Langdon must decipher the codes left by Mozart and reveal the secret of the Mozart conspiracy before the Missionaries of Charity and the powerful US Republican Party can track him down and kill him; thus concealing forever the truth of the warrior bloodline and the rightful heir to the US Presidency.


Baigent sues!

Just days after the information about the new Dan Brown novel was leaked; author Michael Baigent announced that he will be suing Dan Brown for plagiarising his work in order to create the new Mozart Conspiracy novel.

Baigent is claiming that Brown stole the idea of the warrior bloodline of Conan from Baigent’s earlier work; “Conan to Kerry, holy molly they got the wrong president!”.

At this stage no commencement date for the trial has been announced.

8 comments:

Christine said...

Hysterical! And linked at my site now, too.

stix said...

Hillarious. The moonbats are going to go crazy over this one.
Great post. Had to link to it.

DimBulb said...

OUTSTANDING. Every time I come to this sight and nothing new is posted i get depressed.

The Dumb Ox said...

Thaks guys!

It's great to know that people are keeping an eye out for my mindless ravings!

The Ox!

Screwtape said...

Oh, what a blast was there, my countrymen - when comes such another.

Thou has destroyed my faith in Dan and M. Teresa, not to mention Bush.

I even believed the movie- or would've had I been able to afford a ticket (didn't sell 'nuff corn that year - things were wet).

Meanwhile, don't give me a little night music, I'll shine a flashlight on your . . . make that in your face.

And what about Beethoven and Schroeder? Huh? What about THAT! Never thought about it, did ya!

It just goes to show ya, as my aunt M. Teresa used to say till she died and got beautified at that East Indian Ceremony.

Man, did she ever need it. Gawd, she was ugly!

VenomX said...

Absolutely, positively HILARIOUS!!! I needed a laugh after today. Thank you for providing it.

The sad part is that this concoction is just as believable as the DaVinci Code!!

Kevin Symonds said...

That is pretty funny. I must show this to my friends.

Peace!
-KJS

Enthusiast said...

Man, I'm bummed. I really thought that the new book was going to be about the Templars. At least, there is this:

Origins of baseball and the Knights Templar