“Initially I thought that the increase in greenhouse gasses was being caused by the republican party but now I know for sure that cataclysmic global climate change is really being caused by Christians” said Mr Plimpton.
Mr Plimpton has spent the last two years doing complex mathematical calculations based on his observations of various Christian churches.
“I spent three months at various evangelical and Catholic churches around the world and during my time I noticed some rather alarming activity that has gone unnoticed for many years.”
Mr Plimpton noted that in Catholic churches almost all parishioners genuflect twice during every Sunday Mass.
“If your average Catholic Church has 600 parishioners per service, for three services per weekend then you’re looking at a total of approximately 3600 genuflections per weekend.”
“If we take this figure of 3600 and multiply it by the earths magnetic variance, add 400, minus the spherical content of Darth Vader, you get a lot of kinetic energy. This energy converts to heat and as we all know; heat melts the polar ice caps.”
Along with the genuflections, Mr Plimpton also noted that your average Catholic Mass involves between 3 and 10 constantly burning candles, which are another strong source of heat energy output. He also noted that Catholics say a lot of prayers during their Masses. “All those praying parishioners are breathing out and we all know that when you’re breathing out you expel Carbon Dioxide – a leading cause of apocalyptic weather variance” said Mr Plimpton.
Plimpton became even more alarmed on his visits to evangelical churches where he witnessed massive energy output from participants waving their hands in the air. “I became even more alarmed when I realised that your average evangelical church has more amplifiers than a Metallica concert. This gratuitous amount of sound equipment not only uses more power but it also causes sonic energy which results in polar ice caps breaking free and floating into warmer waters where they melt faster than usual and cause destructive ocean level increases.”
“For years we thought it was the conservatives that were causing global warming but now my research clearly shows that we need to rethink such assertions. I’m not saying that they aren’t still causing global warming in some way; I’m just saying that the Christians are the real problem here.”
When asked what he thought the answer to this crisis might be; Mr Plimpton suggested that a global action plan to fight this threat to global climate harmony can be found in his new book “Pray, kneel, die in a cataclysmic global storm”.
Mr Plimpton also suggested that greenhouse gases should now be referred to as “prayerhouse gasses.”