Monday, June 05, 2006

It’s official; Christians cause global warming

World renowned author, conference speaker, and global warming expert; Jim Plimpton, announced earlier this week that he believes that his research has discovered the real cause of global climate change.

“Initially I thought that the increase in greenhouse gasses was being caused by the republican party but now I know for sure that cataclysmic global climate change is really being caused by Christians” said Mr Plimpton.

Mr Plimpton has spent the last two years doing complex mathematical calculations based on his observations of various Christian churches.

“I spent three months at various evangelical and Catholic churches around the world and during my time I noticed some rather alarming activity that has gone unnoticed for many years.”

Mr Plimpton noted that in Catholic churches almost all parishioners genuflect twice during every Sunday Mass.

“If your average Catholic Church has 600 parishioners per service, for three services per weekend then you’re looking at a total of approximately 3600 genuflections per weekend.”

“If we take this figure of 3600 and multiply it by the earths magnetic variance, add 400, minus the spherical content of Darth Vader, you get a lot of kinetic energy. This energy converts to heat and as we all know; heat melts the polar ice caps.”

Along with the genuflections, Mr Plimpton also noted that your average Catholic Mass involves between 3 and 10 constantly burning candles, which are another strong source of heat energy output. He also noted that Catholics say a lot of prayers during their Masses. “All those praying parishioners are breathing out and we all know that when you’re breathing out you expel Carbon Dioxide – a leading cause of apocalyptic weather variance” said Mr Plimpton.

Plimpton became even more alarmed on his visits to evangelical churches where he witnessed massive energy output from participants waving their hands in the air. “I became even more alarmed when I realised that your average evangelical church has more amplifiers than a Metallica concert. This gratuitous amount of sound equipment not only uses more power but it also causes sonic energy which results in polar ice caps breaking free and floating into warmer waters where they melt faster than usual and cause destructive ocean level increases.”

“For years we thought it was the conservatives that were causing global warming but now my research clearly shows that we need to rethink such assertions. I’m not saying that they aren’t still causing global warming in some way; I’m just saying that the Christians are the real problem here.”

“The Vatican is definitely a major contributor; I mean how many thousands of genuflections, candles and prayers does that place go through in a week? Then there’s Focus on the Family; every time they encourage families to pray together they’re encouraging a small group of people to emit yet more carbon dioxide into the atmosphere” said Mr Plimpton.

When asked what he thought the answer to this crisis might be; Mr Plimpton suggested that a global action plan to fight this threat to global climate harmony can be found in his new book “Pray, kneel, die in a cataclysmic global storm”.

Mr Plimpton also suggested that greenhouse gases should now be referred to as “prayerhouse gasses.”


Jeff Miller said...

Don't forget incense emissions.

Dr. Thursday said...

It is very good of you to provide this warning.

Also do not forget the effects of extra humidity arising from the constant use of holy water - which contains large quantities of Dihydrogen Monoxide, a known dangerous compound and a major constituent of cancer! (See here for details.)

But perhaps Chesterton had a better, and even more scientific perception of this issue:

This seems to me like all the nonsense of the modern world tied up in a knot. First, it is notable, though relatively excusable, that the speakers imply two things about Dr. Einstein's theory of relativity; first, that it is proved, and secondly that it is practical. They would probably find it difficult to prove the proof they would find it still more difficult to prove the practicality. Professor Einstein himself has said, very sensibly, that there are hardly a dozen men in the world who really even know what he means. And these specialists have certainly not come forward with commercial advertisements or mechanical appliances for the practical use of Einstein In the Home. They do not offer to sell us so many square yards of Space-Time at so much a yard; or to let us have Relativity on tap like hot and cold water in the bathroom; I refrain deliberately from the analogy of hot air.

[GKC, ILN May 16, 1931 CW35:520-21]

Screwtape said...

A New Commandment, referred to as "The Plimpton Ammendment",reads: Thou Shalt Not Pass Wind at Mass or Hold Mass Meetings in the Wind.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, a Gummint handout is advising all ranchers to shoot their horses.

Well, they do shoot them, don't they?

Screwtape said...

But what about the Schultz Connection: Beethoven and Schroeder!

There was a movie made about it, but it failed because it didn't have a car chase.

The director's wife said she needed the family Daimler for other uses.

Screwtape said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.