Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Survivor Liturgy Island - Part Three

Eight Catholics…

Two teams…

One Island

Ten days of dubious liturgy…

But there can be only one survivor of Liturgy Island!

Day Ten:

Team Tridentine is in disarray!

After winning two challenges in a row, thus allowing them to keep their entire team intact, the team has polarized into two opposing factions.

The team problems started when Tom from Arkansas suggested that Marty Haugen should consider a new career writing jingles for Hemroid cream commercials.

Within moments, four of the island’s 27 liturgy directors had been informed of the comments and had made their way down to see Tom from Arkansas.

It seems that Tom from Arkansas had failed to read the Survivor Liturgy Island code of conduct which absolutely forbids the profaning of the holy trinity (Haugen, Hass, and Farrell) in word, speech or action.

The liturgists began berating Tom from Arkansas, insisting that he take back his blasphemous words or they would be forced to remove him from the island.

Jan from Ohio steps forward to insist that it was all a terrible misunderstanding and that Tom from Arkansas was merely suffering from Liturgy Island fever, a rare disorder brought on by the heat and lack of true liturgy.

But just as Jan from Ohio is almost finished convincing the liturgy directors that this was all just a terrible misunderstanding caused by sickness; John from New York steps forward and states that Tom from Arkansas was right about Marty Haugen.

He then also goes on to further enrage the Survivor Liturgy Island Liturgy Directors by stating that his “grandfather could write a better hymn than Marty, and he’s dead!”

Within moments the entire team is fighting, and the Liturgy Directors have evicted John from New York from the island.

Day Twelve:

Both teams awake to discover that intruders have been introduced to Survivor Liturgy Island.

Each team is forced to take one new team member who has been introduced to the island by the Liturgy Directors of Survivor Liturgy Island.

Team Tridentine is forced to accept Intruder Sally and Team Gregorian is forced to take Intruder Chris.

Intruder Chris immediately causes a ruckus by suggesting that Team Gregorian should take time out for a group hug and a Chakra healing session. This does not go down well with the team at all, with one team member even telling Intruder Chris that every time he opened his mouth he was lowering the IQ of the team.

Day Fifteen:

Things are becoming strained on Liturgy Island, now that the participants have been deprived of true liturgy for fifteen days.

Intruder Chris recommends that if his team would take the time to reconnect with mother earth then their negative energy would be displaced by a cosmic happiness and life-joy.

Mark from Chicago offers to “reconnect” Intruder Chris with mother earth by digging a hole for him to go take a flying leap into. Other Team Gregorian members offer to fill the hole in for Intruder Chris after he’s jumped into it.

The team challenge, which requires each team to make liturgical vestments, goes bad for Team Tridentine when an attempt to gather coconuts for their liturgical waistcoats results in a near fatal accident. One of the camera crew is crushed when a Team Tridentine member falls on him from a coconut tree.

Intruder Sally and Intruder Chris

Day Twenty:

Things have gone horribly awry on Survivor Liturgy Island, which now resembles Lord of the Flies.

Both teams have split into four separate schismatic groups, with all four teams claming that they are the only true and real champions and lords of Liturgy Island.

Team Tridentine now only performs liturgies at midnight and after reading a book by Father Richard Rohr they insist on getting naked at every possible occasion.

Team Gregorian now worships only on Tuesdays and they have developed a new liturgy called the divine rage, in which participants must vent anger at injustice in the patriarchal church.

The other two teams (Team Dionysus and Team Serenity) are living on separate sides of the island in caves. No one is really sure what they do, but their liturgies can be heard from the other side of the island.

A Team Gregorian member during a divine rage liturgy

Day Twenty Two:

Survivor Liturgy Island has turned to chaos.

After suggesting that they should try and reunite the teams with a trivia challenge about Matthew Fox and Hans Kung, three of the Liturgy Directors are eaten by Team Gregorian.

The other teams have erected a giant statue of Marty Haugan and are worshiping it eight times a day by praying the “Hail Marty”, a new prayer which they have written.

The prayer reads…

“Hail Marty, full of taste; the words are with thee
Blessed art thou are among music
ians and blessed is the fruit of thy keyboard; Creation Mass
Holy Marty, father of songs in G
Play for us singers, now and at the hour of our liturgy”

They are also halfway through constructing a “Hass Temple” beside the statue of Marty Haugen.

Day Thirty:

No one has heard from Liturgy Island since the television crew fled the island under cover of darkness.

Some of the Survivor Liturgy Island Liturgy Directors have joined teams (eight teams at last count) while others are working as liturgy consultants to several of the teams.

Sources tell us that Cardinal Arinze is on his way to Liturgy Island as we speak, with a team of specially trained and highly armed Swiss Guards.

This picture was taken as the camera crew fled the island under cover of darkness


Brian Michael Page said...

The end of this episode seems to be a really good lesson on the consequences of heterodoxy.

Keep it coming!

The Dumb Ox said...

That's exaclty the point i was trying to make brother!!!

I'm glad someone got it!

PhiMuAlpha2681 said...

You should send the "Hail Marty" prayer into the Moratorium site to add to the parody list!


The Dumb Ox said...

If you let me know some more details about Moratorium i'll send it off to them!

Brian Michael Page said...

Ah yes - the Society for a Moratorium on the Music of Marty Haugen and David Haas, which I am a proud member of, can be found at


Al said...

I have gotten a good laugh out of your Survivor-Liturgy Island series. It just proves the fact that the best humor is based on reality. I just wish that all those who promote this garbage in the "Spirit of Vatican II" could be shipped off to an island & let those who know what Vatican II actually said do it right.

I am going to be printing a copy of the entire trilogy & giving it to my parish's liturgy & music coordinator. Maybe he'll finally get the hint. But I doubt it. Sadly, last Sun every song at Mass but 1 of the "communion" songs (I refuse to use the word hymn) was either by Haugan, Haas or Farrell.

While I like a couple of Haugan's tunes most of them have lyrics that are puerile at best. & some of the songs written by those 3 that are used at communion make me disgusted because they either deny the real presence or are so focused on us that you would think we are there to worship & honor ourselves not God.

At least I haven't yet had to post a no-liturgical dancing sign on the liturgy director's door. YET!

Brian Michael Page said...

Al, let's not forget the horrendous blurbs written by the "Former Rev." Carey Landry and much of the muzak of the St. Louis Jesuits. Almost anything by Gregory Norbet (formerly of Weston Priory) gets a size 10-1/2 up the behind as well.

Kevin said...

Entertaining and illustrative. Thanks for the link to the Moratorium, Mr. Page.

Jon de Poer said...

This is an old post...but shouldn't there be a Moto (Proprio) tribe?